Greeting, you festering maggots. Here’s some news to prevent you from realizing what pathetic, pitiful cretins you really are.
Apparently, in the wake of the coming (shut up, it makes sense)
Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes ROTPOTA, apes are in. And as such, the studio that loves to destroy the things we love has planned to move on our newfound monkey love (that came out weird, didn’t it. And yes, I know apes aren’t monkeys. Shut up). Anyway, Fox has decided to “update” King Kong, and has drafted Christian Magalhaes and Bob Snow to pen “a modern day twist” on the big lug. Not much else in the way of details is available, except that it’ll be animated. Yes, I said animated. Anyone wanna place bets as to whether or not it’ll be in 3D? Drink up, kids. Until they make a Gorilla Grodd movie, I ain’t fucking interested.
Hey, did you read the “Game Of Thrones” recap yesterday? No? You’re an asshole. Anyway, Jason Momoa, aka Khal Drogo, will be thundering his way into theaters soon in the remake of Conan The Barbarian. Here are five character posters, featuring Momoa as the man himself, Rose McGowan as Marique, Stephen Lang as Khalar Zym, Rachel Nichols as Tamara, and Ron Motherfuckin’ Perlman as Corin. Click ‘em to enlarge:
Idris Elba, the man all of us wish we could either be, or be with, is in talks to feature in Guillermo Del Toro’s mysterious monster movie, Pacific Rim. I loves me some Elba, be it as Stringer Bell or even as a musician/DJ, but damn. Dude needs a break. This is good news, if you ask me (as long as we get the good Del Toro). Elba’s moving up in the world, though. His TV show “Luther” is supposed to be quite good, and he’s currently filming Prometheus, the Alien prequel that’s not an Alien prequel. Or something. Anyway, good news.
(via Bloody Disgusting)
And now for your treat:
Yep, it’s time once again for Human Centipede news! You’re so welcome. Yeah, I lied about the whole “Idris Elba has a treat” thing. Get used to it. Anyway, apparently director Tom Six’s sequel, Human Centipede II (Full Sequence) screened in front of the UK film board, and was promptly banned. The British Board of Film Classification painted a pretty unpleasant picture of the film… here are some choice quotes from their explanation (spoilers abound, by the way):
Unlike the first film, the sequel presents graphic images of sexual violence, forced defecation, and mutilation, and the viewer is invited to witness events from the perspective of the protagonist. Whereas in the first film the ‘centipede’ idea is presented as a revolting medical experiment, with the focus on whether the victims will be able to escape, this sequel presents the ‘centipede’ idea as the object of the protagonist’s depraved sexual fantasy.
The principal focus of The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence) is the sexual arousal of the central character at both the idea and the spectacle of the total degradation, humiliation, mutilation, torture, and murder of his naked victims. Examples of this include a scene early in the film in which he masturbates whilst he watches a DVD of the original Human Centipede film, with sandpaper wrapped around his penis, and a sequence later in the film in which he becomes aroused at the sight of the members of the ‘centipede’ being forced to defecate into one another’s mouths, culminating in sight of the man wrapping barbed wire around his penis and raping the woman at the rear of the ‘centipede’.
Fuck me sideways. That is so very not OK. In all honesty, as much as I play around with the Human Centipede thing, Six is really kind of a douchebag. The stuff up there is unpleasant, nasty, torture-porny stuff, and I’m not the least bit upset at the UK Film Board. I’m not saying I support censorship — I’m just saying I’m not upset about it.
Unsurprisingly, Six is furious with the Board for both the banning, and for spoiling these critical, nuanced plot points (caution: sarcasm), and proceeded to petulantly complain to Empire:
Thank you BBFC for putting spoilers of my movie on your website and thank you for banning my film in this exceptional way. Apparently I made an horrific horror-film, but shouldn’t a good horror film be horrific? My dear people it is a f****cking MOVIE. It is all fictional. Not real. It is all make-belief. It is art. Give people their own choice to watch it or not. If people can’t handle or like my movies they just don’t watch them. If people like my movies they have to be able to see it any time, anywhere also in the UK.(via Empire)
I’ll see you in hell.