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How Header Pictures are Their Own Story

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Industry | April 6, 2015 |

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Industry | April 6, 2015 |

Finding you header images for these articles is its own wonderful adventure. If Pajiba had things like “HR” and “job descriptions” and “more employees”, we would probably have dedicated individuals doing nothing but tracking down clever high quality photos for these articles. Instead we let our intern “Google Image Search” take care of that. He’s a really shitty intern. Most of what he puts on the screen is porn, and he has never once brought me a goddamned cup of coffee.

We’d fire him, but he’s willing to work for “exposure”, and you literally cannot put a price tag on that.

The typical process is going to GIS, and typing in the name of the show or movie or whatever that the article is about. That usually doesn’t work, because unless a movie is coming out right now, it’s a bunch of generic stuff, PR release images, or low-res screengrabs by people apparently interested in actress’s feet.

So searches need massaged a little. And by massaged I mean they get words added that are kind of disturbing but tend to find images that have that dash of the bizarre combined with something topical. For example, I am on MULTIPLE government watch lists for the combinations of “horny ewok”, “sexy picard”, and “vader fuck yeah” that I’ve used to generate header images for Science Fiction Thursdays.

So last night, I’m writing up the news about Twin Peaks. News that was viciously stolen from me by the cabal of West Coasters who will one day sink into the ocean and they will yell “help us” to the Rock in his helicopter, but he will flex a mighty bicep to reveal a tattooed “SLW4LYFE”, and whisper “no”.

But anyway, when looking on Google image search for a header, naturally half the results for “Twin Peaks” were scantily clad women. Truly, traversing the Internet is a terrible burden for the heterosexual male.

Turns out the reason is that there is a chain of Hootersesque restaurants called “Twin Peaks,” perhaps due to some subtle euphemism. They call their business model “breastaurants” because of course they do, and they’ve opened 61 locations in Texas and surrounding states in the last decade because of course they did. When some Hooters execs left and bought a few locations they were sued for stealing trade secrets. Come on Hooters, your employees’ tits are not a trade secret. Ah, the puritanical spirit, in which it is shameful to pay a woman to take her clothes off, but entrepreneurial to pay her to wait on you in a bikini for tips. You stay classy, Texas.

Steven Lloyd Wilson is the sci-fi and history editor. You can email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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