Every week it seems like we reach a new low with movie source material. Did you think it couldn’t get any worse than Ouija? Candyland? Well you were very, very wrong. Because Animal Crackers: The Movie has been announced. Yeah. Animal crackers. Those amorphous blobs that look kind of like animals, that by food law you’re required to eat head-tail-body. The premise of the movie is basically that a magic box of the things turns people into the animal that represents them. And yet despite that pitch that some panicked young writer clearly came up with during the elevator ride up to his studio meeting, the movie has locked down a surprisingly solid cast (with one notable flat-out amazing stand-out). Here’s the cast to *shudder* Animal Crackers, with totally unsubstantiated predictions for their corresponding crackers.
Ian McKellen is a bear. A big old wizened bear (which, in animal cracker form do sometimes just look like big blobs.
Depending on the brand of animal crackers, a wise old bearded knighted goat would also be acceptable.
Sylvester Stallone is a donkey, and he’s not happy about it. He thought he was going to be a tiger.
Patrick Warburton = rhino (that voice, come on)
Danny DeVito will mock you with his monkey pants.
Gilbert Gottfried will be a parrot, obviously.
What’s that? There aren’t any parrot animal crackers? No birds of any sort? Well then he can’t be in this movie.
Raven-Symoné is a badass cat.
Tara Strong (Powerpuff Girl, Twilight Sparkle, general voiceover superstar) is a baby elephant.
They don’t make baby elephants? Gnaw around the edges till your regular elephant is tiny and adorable. That’s Tara Strong.
Harvey Fierstein. Buffalo. Duh.