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How a Hollywood Movie Is Turning All Our Children Gay

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | July 20, 2010 |

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | July 20, 2010 |

You’re going to want to read this very insightful post from Andrea Peyser, over at the NY Post. It’s about how that dastardly Hollywood is trying to turn our children gay, and I think she hit the nail right on the head. She’s such a brilliant, open-minded egalitarian. I think I want to take her behind the middle school and impregnate her with gay babies.

She writes, in part:

Shh! Hollywood is having a teaching moment — this time in the bedroom, where, if you’re straight, chances are you’ve been doing it wrong.

In the first frames of the new flick “The Kids Are All Right,” two boys snort coke. Next, a dad tackles his teenage son so ferociously, the child can’t breathe.

That boy soon tries to relieve himself on a dog. Gross. And a man with exceptional appetites proves that Cialis, not to mention heterosexual relations, is for losers.

That is how the most self-righteously moralistic movie to hit the big screen since “Forrest Gump” preaches an undeniable Hollywood truth: Men, and boys who will be men, are not just bad. They’re corrupt, amoral horndogs.

And women, especially neurotic, lesbian mommies who drive Volvos, watch gay male porn (go figure!) and get plastered before lunch, are perfect.

These are the life choices presented in Lisa Cholodenko’s “The Kids,” sort of a cross between “Leave it to Beaver” and “Kittens With Whips.” Choose your lifestyle wisely, moviegoers. For this film is set to go down in history as the first major motion picture to make a family led by gay women — A-lister Annette Bening, as the control-freak doctor Nic, “wed” to A-lister Julianne Moore, as the weepy, infantilized Jules — seem not just normal, but close to godly.

It reaches further than the gay-cowboy romp “Brokeback Mountain,” whose characters maintained a sense of otherness while shielding the kids from their shenanigans. In this movie, exposing kids is the entire point.

And this is how Hollywood does an end run around morality.

Oh, Andrea. You’re right! How dare this movie suggest that lesbian mothers might actually be ideal parents. Can you imagine?! I bet they rug munch right in front of the kids! Gross. They probably invite the kids over to help out. “Can you help Mommy with this strap-on, Eliza? I’ve only got two hands!” Yuck!

How dare anyone ever suggest that lesbian mothers might be normal. Or even better than normal. That domain is reserved for exclusively for WASPY stay-at-home Funicellos that wake up early every morning to pack a lunch for their children with wholesome Kraft processed cheese, fresh Capri-Sun, and Bible scripture.

And I totally agree with her point on Brokeback Mountain, too. I mean: That was an amoral gay-fest, but at least no kids were harmed. Just that homo Jack, and he probably deserved it for all that sinful sodomy.

Lesbian mothers! Pshaw! What will Hollywood think up next? And the audacity of a Hollywood movie to present its self-righteously moralistic viewpoints. Self-righteously moralistic viewpoints should be restricted to horrible, shrewish bitches like Andrea Peyser, where they belong. Right!?

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.