Come on Joaquin, what kind of fools do you take us for? Nobody ever believed you were quitting acting (too much money) or taking up rap (you suck) or anything else you were faking for your pretend “documentary,” I’m Still Here. Indeed, here you are again. Not that I begrudge you throwing your hat back into the ring; acting is where you belong. You do it well. Just stop with the histrionics, unless it’s for an actual role.
So, I hear you’re circling the part of right-hand man to Philip Seymour Hoffman’s whackadoodie
Scientology religious leader in Paul Thomas Anderson’s (There Will Be Blood, Punch Drunk Love, Magnolia) Scientology exposé story about a fake religion (previously titled The Master, currently untitled). If you get the gig, you’ll be playing Freddie Sutton, second in command to The Master (Hoffman). Sutton is an alcoholic who becomes disillusioned with his boss and mentor. I’m really hoping Anderson can get this film made before he gets whacked too long, as I’m quite interested in the idea of someone outing Scientology’s a pretend religion’s secrets. Anderson might like to consider getting together with Paul Haggis, who had a few interesting things to say about Scientology a while back. (And if you need a quick, little Scientology refresher, look here.) But back to you, Joaquin; I think you and Philip would make a powerhouse combination. This film seems tailor made for the two of you, both strong, eccentric actors drawn to dark, meaty roles. Jeremy Renner was previously attached to this part, but when the film was held up he had to move on and dude’s career is on fire—so I’m thinking you should snap this shit up. I’m also guessing funds are running low after that disastrous, bearded project. You haven’t done a real film since 2008 and nobody saw the damned thing (Two Lovers), except maybe me. It was just okay, but you’ll wanna stay away from the Goopster now. She’s completely overexposed and thinks she can sing too. Good luck, man and if you get it, watch your back.