Despite the incalculable amount of time I spend ripping broadcast networks for their antiquated approach to content creation, the semi-annual upfront meetings remain some of my favorite days on the pop culture calendar. It’s like listening to a Men’s Rights Activist try to justify rape threats toward female videogame bloggers: you know it’s going to be a dysfunctional shitshow, but it’s fun to watch them dig themselves into deeper and deeper holes.
Late last week, NBC released trailers for several of their new series. I’m not saying Comcast’s half-point drop in share price today is directly related to the quality of these previews, but there is literally and figuratively and spiritually no other plausible explanation. I’d rather watch my kid roll around in raw sewage than spend five minutes with these shows.
Just LOOK at this shit:
Cast: Melissa George, other interchangeable white people Entire Premise in One Tweet: ZOMG WOMAN DOCTOR PLAYS BY HER OWN RULES! Best Worst Line: “I like long walks on the beach, hot bubble baths, and the sound of cracking a patient’s chest open like a lobster.” Best YouTube Comment: “LOOKS DOPE YO!” (this guy leaves a variation of his “SO DOPE” comment on every NBC trailer. He is Bob Greenblatt). Number of episodes before cancellation: 7
Cast: Wesley Snipes, Philip Winchester Entire Premise in One Tweet: Wesley Snipes always bets on black and on whether Strikeback guy can prevent crimes Best Worst Line: “When I’m done I’m going to come back here and throw you through that window.” Best YouTube Comment: “WESLEY SNIPES EXPOSING SOME OF HIS SHAOLIN MONK TECHNIQUES -LOL” Number of episodes before cancellation: Full season
Cast: Sullivan Stapleton, Jaimie Alexander, Audrey Esparza, Rob Brown, Marianne Jean-Baptiste Entire Premise in One Tweet: Remember Prison Break? It’s that, with a chick and the other Strikeback guy Best Worst Line: No great lines, but I love that the NYPD officer finds the only black guy in Times Square and immediately questions him about a random bag. At least he didn’t kill him for not knowing anything about the sack, I guess. Best YouTube Comment: “I’ll check this out as long as it is not at the same time as my favorite shows.” Number of episodes before cancellation: 8
People Are Talking
Cast: Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Tone Bell, Bresha Webb Entire Premise in One Tweet: Four unfunny people hang out and say unfunny things while doing unfunny things Best Worst Line: Every line in this is stolen from Mein Kampf and/or the Necronomicon. Will not repeat here. Best YouTube Comment: “It’s funny, cuz I’m totally NOT ready for this.” Number of episodes before cancellation: 3
Best Time Ever with Neil Patrick Harris
Cast: Neil Patrick Harris, magic tricks, songs Entire Premise in One Tweet: Variety show starring the guy who bombed trying to turn the Oscars into a variety show Best Worst Line: It’s a 15 second teaser so how about, “Coming to NBC.” Best YouTube Comment: N/A Number of episodes before cancellation: Full season