There are some cruel bastards in Hollywood. Really effing cruel. What kind of sick son of a bitch takes Hollywood’s worst romantic comedy leads and puts them in the same movie? As a couple. Are they trying to kill us? Is the hope that, if they insert Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl into one movie, that the vortex of suck will be so overwhelmingly powerful that anyone with a modicum of taste will be sucked into it and regurgitated onto the ceiling like Johnny in Nightmare on Elm Street?
If there is such a thing as the perfect nightmare cast it is this one, for Five Killers. In it, Ashton Kutcher plays a hitman at the top of his game who decides to retire after he falls in love with the computer tech (Heigl). The catch: He discovers that there’s a hit out on his life.
And, as if it couldn’t get worse, Robert Luketic (Monster-in-Law, Legally Blonde) is directing.
But it does get worse! In the film, Katherine Heigl’s parents will be played by Tom Selleck and Catherine O’Hara. And Kutcher’s handler will be played by Martin Mull. Don’t get me wrong, though. There’s nothing wrong with those three actors — they’re terrific (nothing will ever top Mull’s appearance in Chris Elliot’s “Get a Life.” Nothing.). But have you seen the damage that Heigl and Kutcher can do to their co-stars? Katherine Heigl starred opposite Johnny Knoxville in The Ringer four years ago. Have you seen him since? And Ashton Kutcher starred opposite Bernie Mac in Guess Who. Bernie Mac is dead now! You think that’s a coincidence?
Bad acting kills, folks. PSA. Word. I hope you made out your will, Selleck.