Interesting bit of the old pass the dutchie to the left hand side in the news today. Hayden Scholssberg and Jon Hurwitz, the two rasteebrews who bonged up Harold and Kumar were asked to pen the script for the fourth American Pie movie. Well, not only are they taking on scribe duty but they’re gonna be directing the film as well.
I was stunned when I heard that supposedly the producers were able to bring back the entire cast for the fourth film, but then I realized: What the fuck else were they doing? The motherfuckers from “Saved by the Bell” have had a more noteworthy career than these schmos. It’s like a VH1 Where Are They Now that unfortunately didn’t end in a car crash. Alyson Hannigan’s been doing all right on “How I Met Your Mother,” and Seann William Scott’s actually saddled himself with a respectable little acting career. Which is amazing, because both of their roles are essentially boiled down to catchphrases about sticking things where they ought not.
As for the rest of them… Shannon Elizabeth stopped taking her top off, and Jessica Biel started, so Tits McGee’s been working the ol’ poker circuit. Mena Suvari’s allegedly been in films, but only thing I remember her in was some weird fucking flick called Stuck where she hit Stephen Rea with her car, he got trapped in the windshield, and then she drove home and locked him in her garage and tried to hide it. Blew my fucking mind. I honestly thought Three Names from the baseball movie was dead, and Finch was basically playing second banana in the stoner flicks. Jason Biggs AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH. He’s singlehandedly kept Comedy Central in weekday broadcasting with an embarrassing panoply of dreck that’s actually about one stray pie-flecked pube above paid programming featuring that Shamwow hobgoblin hocking a combination veggie-dicer/change-counter. And Tara Reid has crooked nips. But at least she’s not the E-Trade Baby-Raper. You fucking milkaholic.
Anyway, it’s pretty much going to wipe its ass of the buckmaking American Pie Presents series, and try to turn out something interesting. I wonder if Alyson Hannigan will smoke a bong with her pussy flute.
Meanwhile, the reins on the Harold and Kumar franchise will be passed to Todd Schulson for A Harold and Kumar Christmas, which will feature NPH and Christopher Meloni in strange makeup fucking on a one-whore open sleigh. Don’t recognize Schulson’s name? Of course not. He’s yet another MTV video flunkie here to ruin a perfectly servicable comedy forget-me-not. Here’s hoping he casts me! I’ll play “Slightly Larger Midget Riding Donkey Outside Whataburger”.