For Christ’s Sake, they’ll adapt anything these days. Walden Media, famous for bringing any sort of kiddie propaganda they can cram the littlest bit of bejeezus into up on the big screen, has decided to join hands with Paramount Pictures to bring us “In the Beginning.” It’s the story of Adam and Eve, which will be rendered in glorious and rapturous 3D.
Nobody’s gonna make the mistake of labeling me a biblical scholar, but if memory and knuckle scars serve me correctly, there’s not really a lot going on in the Adam and Eve parable. Adam gets bored, yanks out a rib, and makes a McWife. A snake starts hissing shit, Eve gets a hankering for a fruit smoothie — be it apple, pomegranate, or figgy pudding — samples the wares, sees her shadow, and now everybody owns a motherfucking iPod full of forbidden sea shanties. Is this pretty much gonna be an IMAX trip through the zoo with occasional glimpses of flapping fig leaves?
But it’s guaranteed to go double myrrh with the old penitents, so who am I to say. I’m just looking forward to all the devout younglings converting their beliefs to evolution once the 3D version of Jurassic Park hits the screen. Dinosaurs FTW!