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Hey, We Did The Gulf War Twice, And That Worked Out Pretty Good For Us

By Brian Prisco | Industry | August 11, 2009 |

By Brian Prisco | Industry | August 11, 2009 |

Paramount Studios learned a valuable lesson. A) If you hide your movie from mean critics like an ugly debutante at a cotillion, you have a fighting chance that more people will go see your piece of crap out of sheer boredom and curiosity than would have before, and B) You don’t need to make a great movie, as long as you make one that doesn’t suck as hard as everything else. This is the same principal if two of us are running from a lion. I don’t have to run faster than a lion. I just have to run faster than you.

So with the modicum of mediocre success from The Rise of Cobra, they’ve immediately begun production on the sequel, Darfur O’Gillis And The Little People. The entire cast is coming back because, with the notable exception of JGL, nobody really had anything better to do. Also, they were pretty much banking on this taking a League of Extraordinary Dump at the box office and avoiding another sweaty summer of chafing in super suits through the streets of Prague. Sucks to your assssssmar, Joes!

There’s absolutely no information being released, because Paramount is still kind of in shock at this half-assed victory. Kind of a like a fat girl winning prom queen, they’re looking around to make sure it’s not some kind of cruel joke or if it’s real. The only real quandary is that Stephen Sommers isn’t set in stone. I, for one, hope he helms the new pic and they give him a real script and not the strike-drunk massacre that was foisted upon him. For fuck’s sake, they can pretty much do what they want, provided they blow a lot of stuff up, tell a joke every 20 minutes, and then blow more stuff up.

With any sort of franchise like this, they’re going to do the obvious: a few more low-grade A, high-grade B stars to play additional characters. And there’s a fucking wealth to choose from, since they fired out G.I. Joe’s like they were falling out of the clown car vagina of that Duggar mess.


The villains got short shrifted, with a measly five to the Joe’s alleged eight (Duke, Ripcord, Hawk, Snake Eyes, Scarlett, Heavy Duty, Breaker, and the blonde chick who got knifed was supposedly Cover Girl). I’d like to see more, but really, the only ones left of any accord would be Serpentor or The Dreadnoughts. And since Whistlin’ Butthole is now all Presidential-like, the Dreadnoughts are right out.


I’m figuring maybe Serpentor, because they’ll carry the whole genetic-experimentation thing to its apex. If they’re going that route, I would really like to see them bring in Clancy Brown. If there’s one thing scarier than The Kurgan, it’s the Kurgan getting his fucking Thulsa Doom on. Plus, they need something cool for the action figures. Nobody’s going to play with The Chairman from Iron Chef and his pimp.

As for the Joes, well, there’s a dearth of decent females. So I’d like to see Lady Jaye make an appearance. Jinx is a possibility, but as my dear companion pointed out, that bitch is the Jubilee of the series. If they’re going the dude route, they might as well haul out Shipwreck. And cast Ian McShane or Gerard Butler. They’re both dirty pirate bastards, and would actually be fun to watch.

Personally, I’m hoping they bring out good ol’ Sgt. Slaughter. I’d love to see Hulk Hogan pull off that role, just for sheer irony. They’ll probably roll some cocksniffing WWE bitch out if they do. I’m pretty sure they’ll troll the WWE for some roidmonkey to put fatigues on. It’s the American Way! If they could get him to ride in on a sparkly pink pony, it’d round out the crossovers.

Again, they’ve already kind of blown their scenic wads on fighting locations, so they’re going to have to go deep jungle, Aztec ziggurats, or full-on outer space. I figure we’ll have one scene where another landmark goes tits up, and frankly I hope it’s the Smithsonian. If only we can have a cameo from Ben Stiller, before he gets Final Destination-ed by a Easter Island head. Dum-dum squooshed like gum-gum.

I’ve already put way more thought into this than the studio will. Maybe they can get David Lynch to write the script. Then it’ll be about Duke returning home to his quiet Nebraska hometown to overcome his horrible mutilation. And then he goes insane from PTSD exacerbated by a lunatic snake-handling faith-healer played by Dennis Hopper.

Send me my check, Paramount!

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