I fucking love Top Gun. Looking back at it now, it’s one of the most ridiculous movies to come out of the 80’s, a hot sweaty mess of a movie fraught with overacting and cringe-worthy dialogue. It’s terrible, but goddamn is it entertaining. It’s a legendary film, filled with goofy, quotable dialogue and some pretty sweet airborne action scenes.
And of course, because it’s The Next Big Thing, it’s getting re-released in 3D. I don’t know why. Honestly, if you told me that Top Gun was getting re-released in its original format with beefed up sound and a cleaned up picture, I’d throw on a flight jacket and be all over that bitch. But 3D? Why? Haven’t we learned that post-production 3D is fucking terrible? Every time it’s been attempted, it’s been a massive failure (for what it’s worth, it’s happening with Titanic as well).
On the other hand, this will be the closest we’re likely to come to actual 3D porn, since it’s commonly known that Top Gun is, well, kinda gay. OK, really gay. I don’t say that as a knock, either. It’s part of what makes the movie so awesome. In fact, in my glowing retrospective review of it three years ago, I said this:
Top Gun is the gayest film I’ve ever seen, and this is coming from a guy who once rented bisexual porn by accident (feel free to jump on the easy joke there). I don’t care what people say, I don’t care if you think it’s deliberate or not, but it’s undeniably there. It’s a penetration scene away from requiring a photo ID to rent it. It’s so gay that Nathan Lane watches it and blushes. What was supposedly supposed to appear as competitive tension between Iceman and Maverick instead becomes a taut, heated contest of eyefuckery and pursed-lipped looks of desire.
I stand by that. Now, picture this… in 3D!
It’s gonna be glorious.