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And You Thought Jar-Jar Binks Was the Worst That Could Happen

By Brian Prisco | Industry | January 28, 2010 |

By Brian Prisco | Industry | January 28, 2010 |

Swollen with disappointment that someone else beat him to the punch by making a completely empty faceless movie that was prettier to look at than a twenty-sided lightsaber battle, with an even WORSE soap-opera storyframe, George Lucas is throwing his girth into the ring. And he realized there’s only one way to trump Abbadah: a musical.

Why not combine the efforts of the two least deserving best picture candidates? Take CGI and the gloriously verdant visuals of Pandora, and then set Nine there. Because if your first thought was “Ooh! Glee!” I remind you this is George Lucas, whose entire musical experience consists of John Williams crafting a soundtrack out of one theme song. That, my friends is Nine, which composes lyrics to the Olive Garden theme out of five words: Italian, Guido, Love, Guido, and Mama.

But, does it get better? Better than aliens in your Nazi treasure hunter epic? You best believe it. The CGI musical is going to be about … fairies. And after fruiting up the darkest villain in hyperspace and turning him into a whiny robot tinkerer, why wouldn’t Lucas wanna make something about singing fairies in CGI?

Fortunately, Lucas realized his own folly and is going with someone else to write and to direct. The director is Kevin Munroe, the delicate genius behind TMNT, a movie so wretched, they wouldn’t even let him have the rights to the entire wording. But it bodes kind of decent in that they got David Berenbaum to write. Berenbaum wrote both Elf and The Spiderwick Chronicles, which both were surprisingly terrific films. Oh, I know, bay at the moon about Elf you fucking ninnymuggins, but Spiderwick was really damn better than it should have been. So hopefully someone will be able to sit Beardo the Hutt down and talk him out of digitally inserting a yellow smiley face monster or making all the forest creatures wear monocles or I’m actually have a hard time fantasizing about anything Lucas could come up with more retarded that what he’s already done to cinema, so bravo for that.

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