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Fuel for Your Heart's Fire: All Sorts of Transformers 4 News

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Industry | December 18, 2012 |

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Industry | December 18, 2012 |

So much news hit yesterday regarding Transformers 4 that my indifference and cynicism are fighting each other for where to start not caring. First off, the big news of the day was that a supposed copy of the script has been leaked online in its entirety. Here’s an excerpt from the plot summary:

“The script begins 4 years after DARK OF THE MOON, in the midst of yet another destructive meteor storm. The opening is very much like the other films, with a generic “crisis montage”. All the major news networks are scrambling to cover the event, fearing that another alien attack is on its way.

Cut to a giant metal space ball, hurtling through the atmosphere, landing right beside Stonehenge. It creates a cylindrical portal and launches an unseen entity into another dimension. As you can imagine, this agitates pretty much everyone, and the Autobots assemble to figure out what the hell is going on.

Eventually we discover that this giant ball is actually a space ship, designed by an ancient Autobot known as Vector Prime. He’s the guardian of Primus, the one being in the universe that can defeat the planet eating Transformer, and main villain, Unicron. So, Optimus and a handful of Autobots have a grand ol’ time hanging out with Vector Prime, trying to locate Primus.”

See, this is patently absurd, and I mean that literally. Michael Bay has a patent on the process of filming without a coherent script, so an alleged script that has events happen in an order and such is clearly not consistent with Bay’s patented script process. I could comment on the plot summary, but my computer no longer supports scrawling “LIES” in my own blood across the Internet.

But see, this script fiasco could not pass without a comment from his Bayness:

“Some Internet sites this morning reported that some document recovery guy has found a legitimate 120 page script of Transformers 4. I can absolutely 100 percent say this is completely false. The only two people in the world that have our unfinished script are Kruger and myself. Also we are only up to page 70 in our T4 script. Maybe this guy has a cartoon or something else - but definitely not our movie!”

Which is totally repeating my argument by insisting that it can’t be the real script because there are entirely too many words in it. At least he admits it, and that’s the first step towards getting help.

Can we look to Transformers 4 headliner Mark Wahlberg to effectively undermine a decade of hard acting work separating himself from the once and future Marky Mark? Oh we can. Messr Mark described his hiring onto the franchise with this haunting wordplay: ” “He [Bay] said to me, ‘What do you think about doing a Transformers movie with me?’ I said, ‘Well, what do you want me to do?’ He told me and I said, ‘Absolutely!’” I’m just astonished that he didn’t use the word “bro” three times in that soliloquy.

Going on to point out that this “will be the most challenging role that I’ve played” Marky Mark bludgeoned a bound and gagged George Clooney with a non-metaphorical baseball bat, crooning that Clooney knew what he was when casting him in Three Kings.

Wahlberg went on to reassure Steven Spielberg that this move was not about the money, which is a lie believed by the teller more often than any other besides “I love you.”

Finishing his tour de force of wrecking any goodwill he might have built up over the years, Wahlberg argued:

“I said, ‘Don’t worry, guys, this is not me taking a paycheck and running with it. This is me trying to … I liked what the guys did with, like, The Avengers, for instance. When I watched that movie I was not interested in seeing it at all, but it was entertaining for me as well as for my kids. I think they did a really good job, and we want to do something special with it, so I’m excited about it.”

There you have it. Michael Bay: the Joss Whedon of idiots everywhere.

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Steven Lloyd Wilson is the sci-fi and history editor. You can email him here or follow him on Twitter.