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Jason Goes Where No Man Could Possibly Imagine

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | June 16, 2009 |

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | June 16, 2009 |

It’s honestly like people aren’t even trying anymore. Goddamnit. It’s frustrating. So, listen to this: Despite the way the poor word of mouth basically pummeled the Friday the 13th remake’s box-office after it’s $44 million opening (it only amassed another $20 million during the entire rest of its run), they’re talking sequel. Because of course they are. It only cost $19 million to begin with, so why the hell not, right? They ruined the original with a mountain of sequels, and they’ve already gotten past the hard part by creating the remake. They can hardly run it into the ground anymore, right? Hell, Jason has already been in fucking space.

So, what do the producers of Friday the 13th have in mind for a sequel? Jason in a Volcano? Jason Falls in Love? Jason Travels Inside John Malkovich’s Head? Oh God no. They’re going extreme. In Friday the 13th The Remake Part II, Jason plays in the snow.

Yeah. The snow.

According to Collider:

“Listen, I think that for that movie we want to have a fun movie. If we’re going to do another Friday the 13th, you know we were having a blast on the set; we want to have fun. We also want to bring things they haven’t seen before and one of the things that they haven’t seen before is Jason in the snow. They haven’t seen that before.”

He’s right about that. We haven’t seen Jason in the snow before. We haven’t seen Jason in a boat, on a goat, in a box, or with a fox, either. But it’s not like we’re clamoring for it. You’ve really got to do better than fucking snow, right?

Well, apparently the problem isn’t setting, it’s really the cleverness of their kills, which is why the sequel to the remake will have to be in 3D, because 3D makes everything more clever! And, according to Shock Til You Drop:

“If we were vulnerable in Friday the 13th, I think our vulnerability is people think our kills were not clever enough,” he said. “So whatever we need to do to make our kills feel clever in our second film is what we’re going to do. [But] I don’t think that turning him into a space-going astronaut would be the direction that we’re going to go in… That’s a criticism that really goes to my heart, that I feel like I’ve failed the fans if those kills aren’t original or that they’re not unique or grisly.

But here’s my favorite part. Alex Billington’s remarks on the above two quotes (with a reluctant hat tip to First Showing): “What I really love about these two producers is that they really know what they’re doing and they love doing it.”

They know what they’re doing? Really? Come on. Snow? 3D? They know what they’re doing like Billington knows what he’s talking about. Take your fucking nose out of their asses and smell the fucking snow already. Somebody peed in it. And it says: SYCOPHANT.

Now crawl up somebody else’s ass for awhile, cockwallet.

(Welcome to my new Pajiba feature. It’s called: Unnecessarily shit on other movie bloggers cause I’m in a sour goddamn mood.)

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.