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God Damn You All to Hell

By TK Burton | Industry | January 26, 2010 |

By TK Burton | Industry | January 26, 2010 |

I was never particularly thrilled about another entry into the Planet of the Apes series. The originals (there are five of them) kept the series alive for about 3.5 entries more than necessary. Tim Burton took a crack at a remake back in 2001 that failed in a breathtaking, spectacularly shitteriffic fashion. I had hoped, in all honesty, that it would just die there.

Not so much.

Truth be told, the news that trickled out a few months ago was actually somewhat positive. Writer and director Scott Frank, who wrote the underrated and highly entertaining Minority Report, was tasked with it. The project was a reboot of 1972’s Conquest of the Planet of the Apes that would simply be called Caesar. Sci-Fi Squad described the concept thusly:

“…a dark and somber Planet of the Apes film that unraveled how genetic experimentation brought forth the simian uprising that made homo sapiens the minority on Earth.”

It was alleged to be a very dark, intense take on the franchise, and frankly it sounds like an interesting idea. The studio that’s behind it is 20th Century Fox. You can probably see where this is going. Fox, determined to avoid intelligent science fiction like I avoid venomous snakes, house fires, and children, scrapped the project and canned Frank. However, they’re apparently still interested in making an Apes film, and have now hired Jamie Moss, whose only writing credit was the Keanu Reeves experiment in dullness, Street Kings. Yes, that’s sound thinking — take a famous, beloved franchise and put it in the hands of a writer who has zero experience with the genre and lacks any sort of creative vision. It worked so well for X-Men III. God forbid the film is actually interesting and thought-provoking.

Die, Fox. Die of festering ball boils and go to the hell of being buried in biting worms.

Jamie Moss, incidentally, is also charged with writing X-Men: First Class. Now look — I’m probably being unnecessarily harsh on the man. But seriously, this whole thing about taking inexperienced writers and giving them major franchises that have psychotically devoted fans is just pure folly. But of course, Fox likes to produce cheap and stupid, and it usually nets them massive profits. They don’t give a shit about you. They only give a shit about making a fortune so they can continue to kidnap babies and turn them into fuel for their SUVs and set up kitten-raping camps. OK, I might have made one of those last two up.

Evil never dies, people. It just produces more shitty movies.

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TK Burton is the Editorial Director. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.