Entertainment Weekly has the first images of the 50 Shades Of Grey leads Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan together. Is this really the best we can do, America? Are these the faces of your steamiest fantasies? I’ve never been more bored by erotica in my life. Sneakers? SNEAKERS?! Both Johnson and Dornan are so much better than this. YOU’RE better than this, America. Get it together.
Did she fall asleep? Did that sadist bore her to death?!
Christ, he can’t even muster enough oomph to convincingly bite his thumb at us.
News also surfaced today that 50 Shades is getting a 2015 Valentine’s Day release. So, fellas, ladies, look back fondly on the era of Nicholas Sparks. We’ve moved on to something much more feeble now.