A Very Serious Discussion About Whether You Would Fuck Jake Gyllenhaal in 'Okja'
Needless to say, we’re all pretty excited about Okja, Bong Joon-Ho’s Netflix-bound follow-up to Snowpiercer. More divisive: would you fuck Jake Gyllenhaal’s character, based on the first official photo that just dropped this morning? Kristy calls him “field trip dad” and says “I don’t want to see that man’s o-face,” but she is—what’s the word—wrong. Jodi and I discuss:
Rebecca: OK, let’s KNOCK-DOWN DRAG OUT FIGHT about this. Jake Gyllenhaal in Okja: Would u?
Jodi: Hell no. That dad-stache makes my little man in a boat capsize, never to be heard from again.
Rebecca: I counter: Jake Gyllenhaal. Would you turn down Jake Gyllenhaal? Would you really?
Jodi: I mean, yes. But he wouldn’t be allowed to kiss me with that on his lip. But also? We’re talking about Gyllenhaal IN THIS MOVIE. And in this movie he is a character who wears knee socks with shorts.
Gyllenhaal with this ‘stache and normal clothes? NO KISSING ON THE MOUTH.
Gyllenhaal in this movie as this character? I FEEL BAD FOR YOUR PENIS BEING ATTACHED TO SUCH VAGINA-DRYING FUCKERY.
Rebecca: So basically:
Jodi: That gif is dirty pool, Pahle.
Rebecca: You knew damn well what you were getting into when you consented to discussing Jake Gyllenhaal with me.
Jodi: It’s true.
Rebecca: It’s not the optimal lip caterpillar situation, I’ll grant you. But look at this man. He looks like he’d treat you right. This is not Jake G at his hottest, but this is a kind man who would be respectful of your needs and who you could take home to your parents. You have sex with him, you wow him with your ways, and you get him to shave the stache.
Jodi: I mean, that’s what I do with the husband when he has shitty facial hair. I would have to dress him to meet the parents. In this:
Rebecca: Man, bring him like that and you break up your parents’ marriage.
Jodi: JOKES ON YOU! IT’S ALREADY BROKEN UP.
Rebecca: Dress him like:
And these are the only Gyllenhaal OKJA photos that matter. Get it together, folks. pic.twitter.com/6aA189dnO2— Scott Wampler (@LimitedPaper) March 27, 2017
Jodi: My dad would kick his ass for being a dork.
THIS IS A MAN WHO KNOWS HOW TO HAVE FUN
Rebecca: NERD ON THE STREETS, STRIPED BLAZER FREAK IN THE SHEETS.
Jodi: The real question is: Can I get this man into a Deadpool suit?
Rebecca: You want to get every man in a Deadpool suit.
Rebecca: I even would with the socks and sandals. I’m not entirely proud to admit that. But I REALLY like what’s happening from the waist up, enough to excuse to footwear situation.
Jodi: Like, he keeps on the socks and sandals? Because I would be giggling so much.
Rebecca: No, he’d take off the socks and sandals. Lose the khaki shorts, lose the shirt, keep that sweet-ass blazer. It’s like if Steve Irwin were a carnie. It’s an amazing look.
Jodi: You just want to steal the blazer in his post-coital state of unconsciousness.
Rebecca: Well. Not JUST. I’d apply my sticky fingers to the glasses, too.
Jodi: Okay. Let’s go with Gyllenhaal still being stupid ripped under his Shady Big Top Ringmaster outfit. And let’s go with the true fact that I can convince him to shave that lip caterpillar with my feminine wiles (aka my tiny fists). I would totally bang the goofy out of that man.
Rebecca: I’m glad you saw the light.
Jodi: And then mail you the glasses and blazer.
Rebecca: That last pic, of him laying down. He still has abs under there! He’s TAUT. He’s SVELTE.
Jodi: The light glistening off of Gyllenhaal’s pecs after I make him sweat like it’s his job.
Rebecca: He has NICE CALVES.
Jodi: Are there any ass shots? Because them legs and a tight ass makes me forget about, well, damn near everything, really.
Jodi: Well that’s just not great there. I swear to jebus, if that is his o-face—
Rebecca: I’m going to photoshop that face onto the Jarhead pic. And there’s nothing you or anybody can do to stop me.
Jodi: GettyImages is a legit cockblocker in that last picture.
Rebecca: Are you leaning close to your computer? Because I kind of am.
Jodi: Um…yes. I can’t see anything. WHICH WORRIES ME.
Rebecca: Now, now, let’s not be uncouth. We’re too classy to openly objectify.
Rebecca: Any final shots before I put this in the system?
Jodi: I think I’ve adequately revealed my freaky nature.
Rebecca: I’m happy for you.
Rebecca: Next up is admitting you’d get your freak on with Eyeshadow Dan Stevens in Beauty and the Beast:
I have enough points for a custom makeover at Sephora. Who dares me to do it and take this picture in? pic.twitter.com/j0kgDRM3Rk— Rebecca Pahle (@RebeccaPahle) March 27, 2017
Rebecca: I’ll get you there.