I’m here to talk about the Power Rangers reboot. Hey, confrontation makes me break out in hives. I do not do the whole talking-about-politics-on-the-Internet-thing.
Last week, we got our first look at Elizabeth Banks as sexy reptile Rita Repulsa with the form-fitting armor and the high pony:
Today, Entertainment Weekly gives us a glimpse of the new Power Rangers themselves:
We also get a smidge of information about the new film, namely that the suits are a sort of alien symbiote (that worked so well for Spider-Man 3).
OK, first thing: “They look like those Power Ranger knock-offs the dollar stores traffic in.” (Per Kristy)
They also look like Iron Man. And Lord Zedd.
If the womens’ costumes are going to have (incredibly impractical) boob armor and heels, I insist that the Red, Black, and Blue rangers be saddled with the same thing. “Oh no, I couldn’t possibly fight alien monsters without my trusty wedge heel.”
I am not ashamed to admit that some small part of me has been looking forward to this movie. I was a big Power Rangers fan back in the day. If there was ninja-based entertainment in the ’90s, I ate that shit up. That said—though I welcome being proven wrong when the movie comes out—what evidence we have suggests that the 2017 Power Rangers won’t exactly be of the “good” persuasion. It’s directed by Dean Israelite, who brought us the execrable, putrid mess that was Project Almanac. And it has no less than five writers (never a good sign), two of whom penned Gods of Egypt, The Last Witch Hunter and Dracula Untold. Still, optimistic ball of sunshine that I am (truth), I held out hope. Until I saw this quote from production designer Andrew Menzies: “You can’t win everyone over, but we are trying to appeal to a more mature audience and gain new fans.”
I have no problem with the “gain new fans” part—I fully acknowledge that, as a 31-year-old woman, Power Rangers isn’t really for me anymore. A new generation deserves their take. But “trying to appeal to a more mature audience”… the costumes… Lionsgate. Are you trying to sell me on gritty Power Rangers? Seriously?
(Oscar Isaac, is that you?)
Look. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers is a lot of things, but “gritty” ain’t one of them. The ‘93 movie was a veritable orgy of dumb-ass puns:
Characters backflip all over the place for no other reason than backflips are rad as heck.
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers is gleeful and wacky and stupid as fuck. That’s what sets it apart. That is its point.
Do we really need a franchise where one of the villains is named Pumpkin Rapper—he’s a pumpkin who raps!—to get the Zack Snyder treatment? We already saw this happen two years ago, with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. What was a delightful, fun children’s property got turned into something with a roided-up anthropomorphic turtle telling Megan Fox she gives him a boner. There was Victoria’s Secret product placement. I’m not a prude by any stretch of the imagination, and I get that the financial realities of the movie industry make it important to appeal to audience members across multiple age groups. But you can do that by making a good movie. And for fuck’s sake, ~*~gritty~*~ and ~*~adult~*~ is not always best.
The wrong person gets their hands on Surf Ninjas, and I’m starting the revolution.