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The Six-Pack Remake Just Went Pear Shaped. As in: Kevin James

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | June 30, 2010 |

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | June 30, 2010 |

I absolutely cannot imagine a movie featuring Kenny Rogers, Diane Lane, and Anthony Michael Hall, but that’s because I never saw the 1982 guilty pleasure Six Pack. I almost feel bad about not having had seen it, but for the fact that it’s also about race car driving, and I don’t really want any part of a movie about race car driving that’s not making fun of race car driving.

At any rate, earlier this year, it was reported that David Gordon Green (Pineapple Express, Your Highness) was developing a remake of Six Pack, and that was all well and good, and I’d have expected Green’s remake to be something akin to Richard Linklater’s remake of The Bad News Bears. We can’t really begrudge good directors their guilty pleasures, but it’s not like we have to like them.

Anyway, Green — who was once attached to write and direct — is no longer aboard. Or so says The Hollywood Cog. In truth, despite what the printholes over at THR suggested, Green has been off the project for quite some time and, according to The Playlist, wasn’t involved much in the first place. He’d apparently written a script called Burnin’ Rubber, and Fox tried to co-opt it and re-title in Six Pack. That’s the way studios roll these days.

Despite his lack of involvement, Green is still on board as producer, but something must have happened between March and June, because the Six Pack remake has gone pear shaped. The approach to the remake has seemingly taken a turn for the worse, which is to say: An approach that’s more likely to make money.

So, Green is off, and in the meantime, a couple of fellas named John Coveny and Hunt Baldwin, who are writer/producers of “The Closer,” and who once wrote for McG’s 2002 television series “Fastlane,” have come aboard to pen the script. Moreover, Tom Dey (Marmaduke, Failure to Launch) came on board to direct (given Marmaduke’s lack of success, Dey may not be on the project for long).

More dispiriting even than all of that is the fact that Fox has made an offer to Kevin James to star. (That’s offer.) It makes sense, too: He’s fat. The movie will be set in the world of NASCAR. And there’s nothing that lowbrow Americans love more than a fat guy behind the wheel of a race car. Fat Guy! Little Car! Fat Guy! Little Car!

Also, if Paul Blart and Grown Ups are any indication, lowbrow Americans will see anything with Kevin James in it. As long as there are fart jokes. Don’t try to get smart on us, fat ass. You see what happens to Sandler whenever he tries to be legit every five years: He gains a modicum of respect. And respect doesn’t translate into ticket sales at all. Just ask Paul Giammatti. That motherfucker couldn’t sell a Taylor Lautner autograph to a Twihard, but the critics sure do love him!

And if you don’t know what Six Pack is, look it up. The remake will be the same, only set in the world of NASCAR. I assume the title is in reference to the number of orphan children who comprise the pit crew, and not Kevin James’ or Kenny Rogers abs.

(Additional reporting from The Playlist)

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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