It’s Tuesday, which means that it’s about time to announce another remake that nobody wants, that will suck raw oysters compared to the original, will probably get made in 3D, and just about is guaranteed to make $300 million and kick off a trilogy of crappy films, because the universe hates you that much. How much precisely?
Well, Carrie is the lucky remake this time, one of the great teen horror films of the seventies, and one of the few not built around psychos stabbing skinny girls, rinsing (or not) and repeating. It’s also one of the few Stephen King adaptations, and there have been a lot of those, that manage to both be relatively faithful to the source material and a quality film in and of itself. King himself loved the film, which is significant since he loathed the other big adaptation of his work in the seventies, Kubrick’s take on The Shining.
What does King say about the potential remake?
“I’ve heard rumblings about a Carrie remake, as I have about The Stand and It. … Who knows if it will happen? The real question is why, when the original was so good? I mean, [it’s] not Casablanca or anything, but a really good horror-suspense film, much better than the book. Piper Laurie really got her teeth into the bad-mom thing. Although Lindsay Lohan as Carrie White … hmmm. It would certainly be fun to cast. I guess I could get behind it if they turned the project over to one of the Davids: Lynch or Cronenberg.”
I’m not sure Lohan could stay sober for long enough to film one scene at this point. And the cocaine’s adding enough mileage that she’s going to have trouble plausibly playing someone her own age, let alone a high school kid at this point.
But they don’t really need Lohan, since Megan Fox is rumored to be very interested in the role of Carrie. Sources close to Fox said this:
“Megan is 25 now but she’s sure she could still do justice to teenage Carrie. She’s told her people to make it happen. Megan is desperate to get away from her Transformers image and move on with her acting career. Theater really appeals to her. She has nothing lined up yet but she’s open to any offers. She hopes to mix theater work with some smaller indie movies and only do big movies if they are right for her.”
Being a cynical sort, I just assume that most anonymous sources are one of two categories. They’re either the individual in question speaking directly through a mouth piece to spread rumors they’ve designed themselves, or they’re pulled out of the ass of no one in particular. In this case, I’m just impressed that Fox had enough brain cells to rub together to remember to say all that in the third person as she pretended to be a source in order to beg for any work of any kind. It goes without saying that she would not be suited to play painfully naive and emotionally abused Carrie, but I doubt this rumor has the slightest basis in reality.
The last bit of news on the project is that they’ve brought in Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa to write the screenplay. He wrote six episodes of “Big Love” and has been brought in to fix the “Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark” script and to work on the next season of “Glee.” It’s hard to judge something like that. To date, he technically only has the “Big Love” credits, which is probably a pretty decent sign, and you can’t fault a guy for taking work. But dude’s going to have the Spiderman musical on his resume, and I don’t know how you come back from that.