Greetings, lowly dogs and worthless, festering whores. For once, I come to you with good news. Tentative good news, to be sure, but who the fuck are you to complain? No one, that’s who. So shut the hell up for once in your disgusting lives and let me GET TO THE FUCKING POINT.
GOD, I HATE YOU PEOPLE.
Whoa, that totally slipped out. The truth is, I’m in a good mood, maggots. Because for once, something that I love isn’t going to have its corpse raped and paraded through the local multiplex. I’ve already raged against the upcoming The Thing, which some of you mouthy assbiters have bothered to reprimand me about by telling me that it’s not a remake, it’s a prequel. Well, IF IT’S NOT A REMAKE, WHY IS IT CALLED THE THING? HUH? Fuck off. Even if it’s a prequel, it’s still a fucking remake — of The Thing From Another World. In fact, in a recent bout of Twitter* grabass, here are the alternative titles that Dan Carlson, reader Sean, and I came up with to prevent confusion:
Anyway, what the hell was I talking about? Oh, right. John Carpenter. Y’all know that I love Carpenter, so much so that I’ve decided to pretend that The Ward was actually a fever dream. And in the list of Carpenter movies, my top three goes: The Thing, Big Trouble In Little China, and Escape From New York. So when news broke that Escape was being remade, I was more pissed than I was after seeing Escape From LA. I raged at the gods, I shook my fist at the sky. Neighbors’ houses were burned and babies were punched. I strangled a panda. That’s how angry I was. Also, they’d fucked up my order at Dunkin Donuts that day, I think.
Well, the good news is that New Line and Warner Brothers have decided to stop drinking antifreeze, and killed their Escape From New York remake. It’s been rattling the cage for some time, with directors like Len Wiseman, Brett Ratner, Breck Eisner, and Johnathan Mostow all attached at some point, and stars like Jeremy Renner, Josh Brolin, Tom Hardy and Gerard Butler all mentioned to play Snake Plissken.
It’s all mercifully for naught. The studio has dumped the project like a dead hooker, and while it’s theoretically possible that someone else can come along and dig her up, right now, it’s thankfully at rest. Of course, if The (Not The Same) Thing rocks the box office, all bets are off, but for now, rest easy, people. For right now, at this moment in time, God doesn’t hate you.
*Yes, I’m on Twitter. I’m not happy about it. Goddamnit, Joanna.