Sure, Phil Robertson has been reinstated to A&E’s Duck Dynasty for the same reasons that Cracker Barrel restocked its shelves with Duck Dynasty merchandise — profit! — but that doesn’t mean that the Internet won’t keep digging up things on Robertson, and continue to tear him — and the show — down. We are a blood-thirsty bunch, and this latest video has the fangs of a rabid child bride.
A 2009 video has surfaced in which Robertson suggests that modern men wait too long to get married. Twenty years old? TOO OLD. You gotta get them good ladies when they’re youngins, like 15 or 16, or what those in certain communities call ‘barely legal.’
“Make sure that she can cook a meal. You need to eat some meals that she cooks, check that out.”
“They got to where they getting hard to find, mainly because these boys are waiting till they get to be about 20 years old before they marry them. Look, you wait till they get to be 20 years old the only picking that’s going to take place is your pocket. You got to marry these girls when they are about 15 or 16. They’ll pick your ducks. You need to check with mom and dad about that, of course.
Well, OF COURSE. And make sure she has a good dowry, a couple of pigs, maybe a cow, and most importantly, no intention of completing her education, which would obviously interfere with her ability to cook a meal and pick out ducks, whatever the hell that means.
Robertson also suggests that the ideal woman is someone who carries her bible. “That’ll save you a lot of trouble down the road.” It should also act as a weapon against men that PREY ON TEENAGE GIRLS.
So to sum: Robertson is homophobic, racist, and wildly sexist. But it’s OK, because THE BIBLE.
David Wooderson is Phil Robertson’s Spirit Animal.