So they’re gonna do a Ghostbusters 3. That’s a lock. And it’s gonna be by the guys who write for “The Office” and the guy who directed Stripes. So that’s pretty awesome. But it’s also gonna be by the guys who wrote Year One and the guy who directed Evolution. So that’s pretty not.
There are rumors orbiting this project — slated for 2012 so we probably won’t even have to worry about it even making it past the Rapture/Apocalypto/Day The Earth Stood Still — like underlings caught in the gravitational pull of Harvey Weinstein, who he snacks on periodically through the day. Allegedly, they’ve got the original four back (Murray, Akyroyd, Ramis, and Hudson), along with Annie Potts, Sigourney “The Spoilin’ Cerulean Cylon” Weaver, the Mayor, and possibly but I sincerely doubt it, Rick Moranis. (Moranis don’t do movies no more since his wife took ill. If Reitman brings him out of retirement, it better be fucking worth it.)
I’ve been noodling who I’d want for a dream cast if this thing really gets off the ground. Well, they’re bringing back the original cast, which is my dream cast, so I’m cool there. Of course, unless they plan on nuking the fridge, they are probably going to be passing the torch to a younger, more hip Scooby Crew. Which means a few options. Either they’re going to go the route of the Ghostbusters kids — which means either the kids will play against their parental types (Egon’s kid’s a jock, Akyroyd’s got a hot daughter) or they’ll be nerd for nerd, tubby Canuck for tubby Canuck. Or, they are going to be completely new bunch of roughnecks.
Either way, I’m expecting the newbie Ghostbusters to be roughly twenties and probably looking for work. Now my top two choices are pretty much a bust because they’re already overfranchised as is: Ryan Reynolds and Chris Pine. And to stem the sudden Pine-Sault from unnamed sources, I’m going off of his performance in Smokin’ Aces, not necessarily Captain Kirk. But, they’re all but a wash. Figure they’re going to ratio out one smart-ass, one spaz/geek, one ethnic, and one girl. Oh, you best believe that the new Ghostbusters are gonna have a lady on the team. So here are my completely speculative picks. Feel free to play along at home:
Smart-Ass Ghostbuster: As I said my top two choices are pretty much moot. I know I said there would only be one vaguely ethnic, but there’s no reason they can’t make him the smooth talking smart ass. So I’m thinking Romany Malco, formerly of “Weeds.” He doesn’t quite have the Murray repartee down, but they’ll be hard-pressed to lock down something with that style. I’m worried it might be Justin Long, but I wouldn’t necessarily be opposed to that. And presuming they avoid the Chase Crawford/Taylor Laughable route (or worse the Apatow), I’m figuring “The Office” kids will gladly shit where they eat and possibly pull in John Krasinski, even though he’s way too old to pull off college. You know what? Fuck it. If RyRey can do four franchises, so can Pine. Plus, he’s the most likely to look like Oscar, the baby from the second, and you just fucking KNOW he’s going to be in the story.
Frontrunner: Chris Pine.
Spazzy/Geek Ghostbuster: This is actually gonna be the tougher one. Technically, all the Ghostbusters were geeky, so they could easily pluck two from this slot. I’m hoping they go with a fat Ghostbuster, because the original script they were actually pushing for John Candy. I mean, fat jokes are easy, and nobody likes hard work, so they’ll probably want a fatty. My frontrunner is Ethan Supplee from “My Name is Earl.” He combines the blue-collar charm of a Winston Zedmore with the playful dumbness of Akyroyd. However, I’m pretty sure they should mine the remnants of “Freaks and Geeks” for our supernerd. John Francis Daley’s been pretty fucking splendid as of late, and Samm Levine pulled off hardass in EnGloorEUS BaghTurDs, but my money’s on Martin Starr. Dude kills pretty much most movies, and he’s great for dour and dull and snarky. Yes, it’s true, he might be a little one note, but it’s a good fucking note, and he’s probably gonna be a good stand-in for Harold Ramis.
Frontrunner: Martin Starr
Ethnic Ghostbuster: Hey, I didn’t make society the way it is. So they like to Benetton everything, fine by me. But let’s not make the mistake of adding a brown brother just because we like shading. Let’s go for quality. I personally would fucking LOVE to see Clifton Collins Jr. be all ghostbusted out. Dude’s a fucking chameleon, and how much would you love to see a Ghostbuster that they pulled out of a Home Depot parking lot because they needed one more? I’m sorry if that comes off as incredibly racist, but it would also be hilarious — which is why they’ll never do it. However, I think they should go the nerd route with our foreign pick, and I’m pushing for Maulik Pancholy, who plays Jonathan, Jack Donaghy’s assistant on “30 Rock.” (Yeah, I watch a lot of “Weeds,” what of it?) Pancholy’s itching for a breakout role, and he’s got a great kind of manic energy, which would translate to panic and spazzing. There’s nothing to say we can’t blind genres here people.
Frontrunner: Maulik Pancholy
Girl Ghostbuster: The easy choice is Emma Stone. She practically auditioned for the part in Zombieland. I just don’t think she’s got the chops for this huge of a project. My second choice was Mary-Elizabeth Winstead. I’m kind of in love with her, after Sky High and as the daughter of the yippie-ki-yaying motherfucker in the block in Live Free or Die Hard. My heart goes with Alia Shawkat or Mae Whitman, because pairing them with Martin Starr would make for a fucking hilarious movie, but that’s the hipster in me trying to fight his way out of the vintage metal lunchbox I crammed him in. So I’m going out on a limb here: Lindsay Lohan. Quiet down you jackals. LiLo is a fucking good comedic actress, and she’s still got potential if she can stay clean. She’s due for a comeback, and ain’t being afraid of no ghosts is a good way to start. You figure the Girl Ghostbuster is going to end up hooking up with the smart ass, so just accept that trope. I think LiLo can pull it off. And by that, I mean, I hope she gets naked. No I don’t, why would you believe that? Idiots.
Frontrunner: Emma Stone.
I really don’t care what happens provided that a) Slimer comes back and b) Bill Murray has to ghostbust Zombie Bill Murray. Then I can die fat and happy.