YOU GUYS! Remember Mel Gibson, that nice old Jew hater who demanded that his girlfriend suck his dick before he threatened to burn down her house? There were tapes, and everything! And he even wished that his girlfriend would get raped by a pack of African-Americans. What a sweet man. And remember how that doddering old coot blamed all the world’s problems on the Jews, and all his Jewish pals were like *record scratch* Wait, what?
Well, now Mel Gibson is holding out to the Jews the olive branch that he once threatened to beat his girlfriend with. Mel Gibson wants to make a moovee! And not just any movie, a movie about Jewish
superhero Judah Maccabee, a.k.a., Judah the Hammer. Maccabee is, indeed, a fascinating figure. His triumph and struggle against tyranny and oppression where people gave their lives so that others would be free to worship is celebrated through Hanukkah, one of the many, many Jewish holidays throughout the year in which my son stays home from preschool and tugs at my sleeve all day while I’m trying to fucking work here. There’s no Jewish holiday on the Internet, son. Now put away your goddamn lacing cards!
I believe Maccabee also killed Santa Claus.
But don’t fret, fretful ones. There’s nothing cynical about Mel Gibson’s decision to direct this movie. He’s been planning it all along, even before he blamed the Jews for all the ills of the world and called that nice cop lady sugartits. No, no: This movie is right in his wheelhouse, a religious period piece, just like that snuff film, The Passion of the Christ, about the Jews who killed that sweet, forgiving man nailed to the cross. I mean, look! Maccabee was the cousin of William Wallace, the hero of Mel Gibson’s Braveheart. It’s a natural progression for Gibson. It’s an obvious career move, like when a guy buys his wife flowers the day after he forgot her birthday. He was planning on forgetting her birthday all along! The flowers are just because he’s a nice guy. See? See, sugartits? It all makes sense.