If you’ve been walking around with a Mad Men-sized hole in your heart the last few months, fear not! Don Draper is coming back to television for a one-time-only appearance!
On SpongeBob SquarePants.
Yes, for one episode only, Jon Hamm will be reprising his role as the smoothest talking man in advertising. Except he’s not a man. He’s a fish. Named Donald Grouper. Here is an actual sketch of the character released by Nickelodeon. We can all assume that mug is full of whiskey, right? He just ran out of glasses?
I’m torn. Don Draper would never be caught dead in bootleg pants, but that eyeridge area is spot-on. Now, before you jump to the conclusion that the SpongeBob writers only chose the name “Grouper” because it’s somewhat similar to “Draper,” let’s take a look at what Wikipedia has to say about grouper fish, and maybe we can dig a little deeper.
—They’re sometimes called “groper” fish. Well, that makes sense.
—“In New Zealand, ‘groper’ refers to a type of wreckfish.” If Don Draper was going to be any kind of fish, it would be the kind that wrecks everything around him.
—“They swallow prey rather than biting pieces off it.” Like Dick Whitman swallowed up Don Draper!
—“Some species prefer to ambush their prey, while other species are active predators.” Oh, like he convinced Megan he wasn’t a sociopath and then ambushed her with his inability to commit??
Am I stretching here? Of course. But if I’m only getting 22 minutes of animated Mad Men-adjacent entertainment for the rest of my life, you’d better believe I’m gonna write as many think pieces as is humanly possible about that episode.
P.S. THIS IS ME NOT BEING SORRY ABOUT THAT HEADLINE: