I didn’t watch Eaten Alive on Discovery last night, because I like to think that I am above a reality show that shows a man being eaten alive by an Anaconda. In reality, I’m just terrified of snakes. I believe, however, that this is the only two minutes and 45 seconds that mattered from the two-hour special.
You can’t call a special Eaten Alive if no one is actually EATEN ALIVE. You have to call it, like, Squeezed Really Hard or I’m Sorry, I Just Couldn’t Go Through With it, or The Dumbest Idea Ever.
Reaction to the special was not kind. Twitter went apoplectic.
After the reaction, Discovery — who has been promoting the special for months, and who knew damn well that they were misleading us — responded to the disappointment.
Paul created this challenge to get maximum attention for one of the most beautiful and threatened parts of the world, the Amazon Rainforest and its wildlife. He went to great lengths to send this message and it was his absolute intention to be eaten alive. Ultimately, after the snake constricted Paul for over an hour and went for his head, the experiment had to be called when it became clear that Paul would be very seriously injured if he continued on. The safety of Paul, as well as the anaconda, was always our number-one priority.”
Bullshit, Discovery. You think you can quell our outrage by playing up the focus on the Amazon and its wildlife? No. WE WANT BLOOD. YOU OWE US AN ANACONDA WITH A SQUIRMING MAN INSIDE. Of course, he would’ve been seriously injured. THAT’S WHY PEOPLE WATCHED THE SHOW. To see the dumbass swallowed, crushed, and liquified by the gastric juices of a reptile. This is an Idiocracy, goddamnit, and we demand our idiot!