Some of you (well, one of you) has suggested that I’ve been neglecting R-Squared these days, and that I’ve perhaps tossed him aside for a new, younger model with immaculate hands. Not true. The reality is: Reynolds’ abs don’t have time for me anymore. Ever since The Proposal and their elevation to the A-list, those abs have been making one movie after another, starting with Buried, which will be out next month. In the meantime, those abs have been shooting The Green Lantern, buying a modest home with his wife’s breasts (whore! home-wrecker!), and even narrating a documentary about DC Comics.
Those abs have been very busy, and the way things are going, it doesn’t look like they’re going to have much time for us in the near future, either. The studio is already writing a sequel to Green Lantern and are expected to make it a trilogy, which means that Reynolds’ abs will be tucked away behind CGI for another few years. The abs are supposedly going to make The Change-Up with Jason Bateman’s smirk, but I’m not sure that they’re going to make time for a comedy; it is kind of a waste of abs. Not to mention, those abs have signed onto Deadpool and R.I.P.D.. In fact, there’s so much their plate right now, studios are fighting over their limited time. Robert Rodriguez is up to possibly direct Deadpool, but it has to fall in place. Like, in between the two Green Lantern films. Apparently, Fox is dragging their feet so much that Robert Liefeld, who created the character, is suggesting that — if Fox execs don’t get their act together — they should commit suicide. This poor bastard is completely twitterlosing it, and can you blame him: He doesn’t want to miss out on some quality time with the R-Squared abs.
In addition to Deadpool and the Green Lantern sequels, there’s also word now that Robert Schwentke (The Time Traveler’s Wife) may sign on to direct R.I.P.D., now that scheduling conflicts have apparently forced out McG, at least in the short term. I’m guessing they’re going to try and fit that one in before Green Lantern 2 shoots next summer, too. Reynolds’ abs are going to be very tired.
And if that’s not enough, the abs have now emerged as the front-runner for Safe House, a David Guggenheim-scripted drama that will be directed by hot newcomer, Daniel Espinosa (Snabba Cash) and co-starring Denzel Washington. Shia LaBeouf’s grin, Taylor Kitsch’s pecs, Chris Pine’s voice, Sam Worthington’s blandness, Zac Efron’s hands, and Channing Tatum’s potato are all in contention for the part, but Reynolds’ abs are supposedly the favorite, which speaks to how high the their star has risen, and how little time he has for little old Pajiba.
He’s outgrown us, folks. The abs have gotten to big for their shirt. Indeed, the abs from Blade Trinity are no longer the abs from Blade Trinity. They’re superhero abs, and superhero abs have better things to do than bother with the likes of us.