The other day, someone accused me of being pretentious. Instead of defending myself, I think I’ll just go with it. I mean, I am in Connecticut, and everyone knows Connecticut is full of rich, stuffy, pretentious people. Please, don’t read further unless your name is Biff, Muffy, or you come from old money.
Dear Johnny (Depp),
Please don’t insult me by trying to pretend you don’t read Pajiba. I know you do, and Roman Polanski too. The jig is up. I also have Facebook tracking down where those messages came from because I have a feeling you had something to do with them. Yes, I know you’re married to that French chick what’s-her-name, but I think you also know you haven’t gotten anywhere near paradise yet and that’s why you’re stalking me. Anyway, I wasn’t going to get into all of this here - I really just need to talk to you about this next Hunter S. Thompson film. Apparently the rights to a Vanity Fair article co-written by Thompson, Prisoner of Denver, have been picked up by Motion Picture Corporation of America. The story is about Lisl Auman, a young woman charged with a murder that took place while she was in the back of a patrol car, in police custody. Despite that fact, Ms. Auman was sentenced to life in prison with no parole. Anyway, you already know all this because you got invovled with the whole thing. Thompson and Auman began corresponding, and he gathered up a bunch of celebrities to get the case noticed and the verdict overturned.
The point of my letter, Dear Johnny, is to ask you to please take a step back from this one; could you do that for me? Well, for the people really. We do know you’re hot and worldly, and you’re a good actor - don’t get me wrong. We know you’ve played Hunter a couple of times before, and it’s not really any kind of commentary on your acting when I ask you not to do it again. I mean, you’re actually involved in this story already, so don’t you think it will be confusing? What would they do, have you be Hunter and someone else be you? That really shouldn’t happen, you know that, right? And frankly, I think it’s time you take on a few small parts, quiet roles. Maybe don’t work with Tim Burton or Disney for a while? Just sleep on it, will you? You don’t have to answer right now.
So, that’s the news people. There are no writers or stars attached yet. Keep your fingers crossed.