Y’all remember Dakota Fanning, right? Cute, precocious little girl in movies like War of the Worlds, Uptown Girl, Cat in the Hat and Senn Penn’s tour de retardation, I Am Sam. Well, that cute little precocious girl has grown into a teenaged precocious girl. Like everyone else in the world, I haven’t seen Push, so I’ll have to withhold judgment on how she’s grown-up as an actress.
That said, if you’re a teenager with a clit-bone for glittery vampires, you’ll soon get to see firsthand how puberty has treated her (hopefully, not in the same way it’s treated past child stars like Corey Haim and Fred Savage, which is to say beat them to a bloody pulp with all the frenzy an ugly stick can provide). Indeed, Dakota has been cast in the Twilight sequel, New Moon. She’ll be playing Jane, a member of an ancient Italian tribe of vampires (because Dakota has Italian teenager written all over her). She apparently gets involved with the Twilight crew when Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) and his glittery posse travel to Italy. Why? I have no idea; probably for pizza.
But wait! That’s not all! Dakota Fanning will also team up with Twilight’s heroine, Kristen Stewart, in yet another movie — a movie about The Runaways, the 1970’s all-girl super group. Kristen Stewart had already been cast as Joan Jett, a casting choice painful enough to provoke millions to pull all their dimes from jukeboxes (baby). Dakota Fanning has now been cast as the band’s lead singer, Cherie Currie, the Bowie-looking chick responsible for the vocals on tracks like “Cherry Bomb” and “Born to Be Bad.” No word yet on who will play Lita Ford, and I can’t think of a soul who’d be appropriate. But then again, I’d never have chosen Dakota Fanning or Kristen Stewart, either.
All our punk-pop icons are going to be Twilighticized. Blame the new “90210.”
I’ve got heartburn.