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I Eat Green Berets for Breakfast ... and Right Now I'm Very Hungry!

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | June 4, 2009 |

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | June 4, 2009 |

I just can’t believe the Braves would release Tom Glavine. Let the man go out with some dignity. Jesus. First Maddux, then Glavine, then Smoltz, then Glavine again. Chipper Jones is all that’s left from the team I once followed religiously. It’s a painful day if you’re a Braves fan, though bringing up Tommy Hanson alleviates some of that pain, but who the hell is Nate McLouth?

Oh shit. This is Pajiba. Sorry, I thought I was still on the Atlanta Braves message boards. Pardon.

So yeah: I called it, goddamnit. Just yesterday, I said that a Commando remake was inevitable, and wouldn’t you know it: Today, JoBlo has dug up some news suggesting that a Commando remake is in the news, this according to an Australian magazine, though no details have been provided.

What sort of details would you even need? Commando was Schwarzenegger’s version of Rambo, and if you can believe it, it was even more asinine, although it did feature Rae Dawn Chong, who I had a terrible crush on when I was 10. She played the daughter of Schwarzenegger’s retired commando, who had only a few hours to save her from an exiled dictator. Basically, Arnie just blew up shit and shot people for 90 minutes and everyone went home happy and blood-soaked.

But the thing about Commando and Rambo was, they worked because they had these macho, muscle-bound grunts behind machine guns. Those guys don’t exist in Hollywood anymore. The Body by Jake mold has vanished and Sam Worthington or Chris Hemsworth are hardly appropriate successors to Arnie and Stallone. These movies won’t work anymore. This isn’t the Reagan era. We don’t like steroids anymore. We don’t like automatic weapons. We like gadgetry. And we like to see our heroes beat the shit out of bad guys with books. Sheer brute force just isn’t a quality suited to the times. And I’m actually OK with that.

David Carradine 1936 - 2009 | Short Circuit Remake

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.