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Come, Children. Drink Your Nightmare Juice: Trade News To Make You Hate The Universe

By TK Burton | Industry | August 11, 2011 |

By TK Burton | Industry | August 11, 2011 |

I had a debate with Rob Payne last night about who was going to write a particular piece of trade news. He was going to do it as a sort of “take one for the team.” Then I said, “God, please take it so I don’t have to. If I do it, it’s just going to be two paragraphs of swearing, followed by me insulting the readers. It’s my default setting when I’m annoyed, and that news is very, very annoying.” Because you see, gentle readers, when I see news about these truly imbecilic, asinine and craptacular movies, I blame you.

Yes, you.

Not even because you’re going to see them, though some of you will, and those who do deserve to have your shins filleted by an epileptic meth-head. No, because you make me write these goddamn articles. IT’S BECAUSE OF YOU, YOU FUCKS, THAT I SUBJECT MYSELF TO THESE ATROCITIES.

Which is why I basically spend my days eating, drinking, working, playing with my dogs, and contemplating your slow, agonizing, shark-and-burning-razor-blade-caused deaths. Because oh, sweet mercy, do I hate you motherfuckers.

Here’s your goddamn news. Print this out, turn it into a paper mache box, and jam it up your ass sideways.

There will be a Smurfs 2, which will most likely be titled something idiotic like Smurfs 2: Smurf Harder. Yay. It’s already got a release date: August 2, 2013. The Devil’s Day, I believe. Smurf a bucket of dicks, all of you.
(via First Showing)

Hong Kong Phooey. Remember him? The 70’s Hanna Barbera cartoon about a dog who goes all Iron Fist and shit? IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE IT’S A DOG THAT DOES KARATE AND OH GOD WHY. Well, they’re making a movie, because you’re an asshole and this is what happens, asshole. BUT, at least Eddie Murphy will be voicing the character. Hoo-fucking-ray. Little known fact: Eddie Murphy’s soul took a bullet during the filming of Beverly Hills Cop 2. Explains a lot, doesn’t it.
(via Slashfilm)

Bruce Willis, who is attached to roughly 4 trillion projects right now, just added the cherry on a shit sundae. He will be playing General Joe Colton, the original GI Joe and leader of the unit, in the sequel to last year’s absolute trainwreck of a film. G.I. Joe 2: Retaliation will now star Willis, Charming Potato, Ray Park, Dwayne Johnson, Adrianne Palicki, Joseph Mazzello, Elodie Yung, RZA, D.J. Cotrona, and Ray Stevenson. Whatever love we had for Adrianne Palicki is diminishing like a bastard in the wake of the awful looking “Wonder Woman” pilot and this. And Ray Stevenson, dude. DUDE. Stop it.
(via The Playlist)

CBS is rebooting “Bewitched,” which makes perfect sense after the utterly abysmal movie adaptation a few years back. I actually don’t give a shit about this — either the original, or the remake, except that I felt that you should read these quotes from the Variety article on the remake: “It’s no surprise that CBS would gravitate to a project with a pre-sold brand like “Bewitched.” It goes on to say that “Sony, which was the studio behind the film version as well, has managed to sell the “Bewitched” format overseas in recent years, with adapations in the United Kingdom, Russia and Russia.”

“Bewitched.” It’s both a brand and a format. And it’s very big in the UK and Russia. Also, in… uh… Russia.

That’s it. That’s all I can bear.


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TK Burton is the Editorial Director. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.