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Today in Reboot Hell

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | May 14, 2009 |

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | May 14, 2009 |

I don’t even know what to say about this. They’re rebooting Cliffhanger, for God’s sake. Why? It wasn’t even that big of a hit. It only made $93 million at the box office, and it’s not like the title carries a lot of clout. Cliffhanger? According to Variety:

A big-budget international action-adventure thriller set in a big mountain milieu, the makeover of Renny Harlin’s 1993 pic will center on a group of young climbers … Unlike the original, where Italy stood in for the Colorado Rockies, the new redo looks set to feature multiple cliff-face locations.

Younger climbers, different locations? Why don’t you just fucking make a mountain-climbing action adventure and give it a different name. Does anyone actually think that audiences are clamoring for a Cliffhanger reboot? Are they, like, “Man, Cliffhanger was the bomb, yo. But you know what would made it better? Less Stallone, more Paul Walker. Rahr! Let’s get Mt. Dew to sponsor it. It’ll be EXTREME.”

Give me a break. The movie is being produced by Neil Moritz, who brought us the Fast & Furious reboot/sequel hybrid. And here’s my favorite part:

“Just as they rebooted ‘Star Trek,’ we’re going to do the same with ‘Cliffhanger,’ ” said Moritz.

Wow. I mean WOW. Comparing Star Trek to Cliffhanger? Really? You’re going to compare a franchise that had 11 movies and, like, 47 different television shows, and more than 30 years of history to a bad mountain climbing movie starring Sylvester Stallone that barely left an impression in 1993? What the fuck kind of delusional medication is coursing through the water out in L.A.? And dollars to donuts, Moritz was sitting in Star Trek over the weekend, saw that sports car fly over a cliff, and thought: Cliffhanger reboot.

Get a goddamn brain you cocksucking morons.

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.