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Blow Me, Danno

By Brian Prisco | Industry | July 23, 2010 |

By Brian Prisco | Industry | July 23, 2010 |

I can understand shows with sci-fi or fantasy elements popping up at Comic-Con. “Heroes,” “Lost,” “Battlestar Galactica” — these are the reasons why nerds watch television. But if you peruse the panels this year, you’ll notice networks like Showtime and USA are promoting all of their shows. Like “Psych” and “Burn Notice” and “White Collar,” or “Californication” and “Nurse Jackie.” What the fuck does that have to do with Comic-Con? It’s ridiculous.

So when they announced the panel for the “Hawaii Five-O” remake, it was titled Aloha Earth! I was kind of excited. They had cast Daniel Dae Kim and Grace Park, and it was coming from Kurtzman and Orci, who have some background in … well, they’re whores so a little bit of every damn thing. I thought, maybe, just maybe, they’ve gone wild and set “Hawaii Five-O” in space. Like an extra-terrestrial procedural — a sci-fi “Law and Order.” And the fucking idea got me a little excited.

Then the panel started.

Fuck you CBS. Fuck all of you. I got fed some recycled fucking action procedural that looks like it’s going to be like the goddamn Miami Vice movie. Just as boring and predictable and cliche with secondary thoughts at making sure to check all the boxes on the political correctness card. Park and Kim are there for the token Asians, because they wanted to keep shooting in Hawaii. It stars some guy that I won’t bother to look up and fucking Scott Caan as Danno. Goddamit, I had some hope for Caan; he was getting his licks in as a indie filmmaker.

Orci had the audacity to shake his head at these people cranking out product placement and brand naming instead of paying homage. Motherfucker kept the iconic theme song and has the nerve to open his mouth on that shit. Has he looked over his fucking resume? He and Kurzman did the Transformers movies, the fucking Star Trek reboot (which worked, but still), and I think 70 other fucking projects based on breakfast cereals, old television shows, and maybe a shoe he found in a parking lot. Grace Park once again taking jobs away from hardworking white men as they changed Kono from a fat Asian to a hot bikini clad cop. And let’s face it, Grace Park is fucking hot. I know this. But this is not the basis for a show.

Of course people will love this steaming pile of cliche. Because they’ll watch anything. And nerds will watch anything with an actor from a show they used to like. Nerds are like elephants — fat and wrinkly and reeking of nuts and hay. They also never fucking forget. The Q&A was all about “BSG” and “Lost.” That’s why they showed up! So it’ll get credits, and be boring and shiny, and feature fist fights at sunset, and quirky little asides to the show. And it’s going to “Hawaii Five-Blow.”

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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