In the wake of all the fervent sporting event chants of USA and the vicious social media debates, everyone wants to take credit for the assassination of Osama Bin Laden. The Armed Forces, the Navy Seals who were actually part of the mission, the Judeo-Christian Military Industrial Complex, Annheiser-Busch, President Obama, George W. Bush, Donald Trump, Twitter — they all want a lick at that shiny brass ring. But, clearly, we are forgetting the true hero, the one who predicted this moment with disturbing alacrity.
Last night was the premiere of Operation Belvis Bash, a “zany” independent “film” that’s dubbed as a musical comedy romance set in the deserts of Afghanistan. But get this, it’s about…are you ready for it?…the assassination of Osama Bin Laden!!!1!1! Well, not really. But maybe! Probably?
Here’s the synopsis: “Operation Belvis Bash is the story of struggling rock and roll musician (Alexander Loy) who is recruited to go to Afghanistan to win the hearts and minds of the Afghani people. He is joined by the outrageous “Jewtastic” comedian, Samuel Stilman (Corey Feldman), as he embarks on his futile quest. As danger surrounds Bash and his rag-tag team of entertainers at the hands of infamous terrorist, Abdul (The Iron Sheik), Bash finds himself upstaged by a musical theater heavyweight, Alfons Logoluso (Frank Stallone). As another night falls on Kabul, will rock and roll shine the beacon of freedom in a land ravaged by darkness?”
Let’s forget the fact that copy reads like it was written by four different Twitter accounts. Nowhere in the film description is there Osama Bin Laden, except maybe the generic Abdul, played presumably by the aging wrestler The Iron Sheik. The lead actor, Alexander Loy, wrote and directed the film, which seems like a tragic mashup of Six-String Samurai and the Blue-Collar comedy routines circa 2005.
Audiences left the Houston theatre where the film played to find out that after seeing a stale stereotype get whacked by proxy on screen, the real thing done happened! No one — and I believe it — no one, was more excited than the film’s “Jewriffic” star,
Michael Jackson’s first sexual molestation victim Corey Feldman.
Quoth the Frog: “I was in New York on September 11, 2001, with Michael Jackson, and then, nearly ten years later, I walk out of the premiere of my latest film, which I had postponed to be able to attend Corey Haim’s Decisions premiere and memorial, to learn that Osama Bin Laden had been killed by a special operation, just like in the film we’d just screened. The timing is simply unbelievable, and whether life imitates art, or art imitates life, now is a time for all Americans to express their gratitude to the brave men and women who serve our country and helped make this happen.”
Art imitates life? Then bin Laden died November 7, 2001, when Eric Cartman killed him during the episode “Osama Bin Laden Has Farty Pants.” You know, when your uncles got to add “durka durka” to “raghead” and “camel jockey” when they were making their “witty” social commentary? And granted, while Feldman acknowledges, you know, the actual men and women who, like, pulled the trigger in stuff…art imitates life? That’s like “Weird Al” Yankovic Kanye-ing the Grammy artist he just parodied. “I know that Kurt Cobain wrote all the lyrics and music and I just added some zany rhymes and polka accordian to that, but it feels so good to have a part of the creative process!”
Anyway, next time you’re at the TSA checkpoint and they ask you to chuck your family size bottle of Pantene and the bottle of Dasani, tell ‘em Mouth from The Goonies said it’s cool. We won!