I already miss the Oscar Ratnerf*cking, the potential Eddie Murphy disaster, the leering misogyny and the underlying homophobia that the 84th Academy Awards ceremony promised just two days ago. But Ratner had to go stick his d*ck in his mouth, and now Eddie Murphy is gone and in his stead is the soft-shoe, the geriatric boner of Oscar hosts: Billy Crystal, star of City Slickers and also City Slickers 2. who will deprive us of the Nacho-fountain, shrimp-f*cking train wreck that was meant to be ours, damnit.
Come back, Brett Ratner!
Is Crystal a good Oscar host? Oh, sure: He’s fine. This will be his eleventy billionth time to host, and you remember how great he was all those other times, right? No? You don’t remember. Me neither. He’s a completely unmemorable host. He’s safe. He plays from the Don Rickles playbook, minus the racism. He’s amiable, a nice guy, and he won’t offend anyone or ruffle any feathers. My feathers were looking forward to a good ruffling.
So, there you have it. Billy Crystal will host the second most-watched telecast of the year. Do you care? No, I don’t care either. But I bet your grandmother is stoked.