Big Momma is coming back, y’all, to complete the trilogy. And I for one am thrilled to death, and I’ll tell you why: Because someone is going to motorboat that hag. And when they do, I know we’ve hit rock bottom. And then I can look forward to a future where nothing will ever be as bad as someone motorboating Big Momma’s tit-tays! And you know with all the technological advancements we’ve made since Big Momma’s House 2, that it’s going to be a visceral, horrific, haunting (maybe even 3D!) experience.
And hell: At this point, Martin Lawrence’s only success comes when he dresses up as an overweight older black woman. If he’d go ahead and get the sex-change surgery done, he’d spend a lot less time in the make-up chair. Plus, we’d get some added authenticity to that motorboating scene.
Word is, according to Variety, that the movie is backed and fully funded, and even has a script ready to go from Matthew Fogel and a rewrite from The Tooth Fairy’s Randi Mayem Singer. Oh my God, I’ve got a Momma boner.
John Whitesell, the itsy bitsy tiny brained director behind the second movie, will return for the third, which they don’t want to call Big Momma’s House 3 because, honestly, most of the target audience can’t count that high. Brandon T. Jackson, who was in Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief, will also star. Here’s your logline: “FBI agent Malcolm Turner and his 17-year-old nephew, Trent, go undercover at an all-girls performing arts school after Trent witnesses a murder. Posing as Big Momma and Charmaine, they must find the murderer before he finds them.”
Woah! Not one, but two(!) cross-dressers! Shooting begins in April and I can already feel those weighty breasts trembling beneath my blub-blub-blubbering lips. Bring it, Momma.