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Because The Universe Hates You: Deconstructing The New Year's Eve Poster

By TK Burton | Industry | October 14, 2011 |

By TK Burton | Industry | October 14, 2011 |

“New Year’s Eve” celebrates love, hope, forgiveness, second chances and fresh starts, in the intertwining stories told amidst the pulse and promise of New York City on the most dazzling night of the year.



Halle Berry: This grin? This is my “I won an Oscar, bitch” grin, I’ll do whatever the fuck I want. And shut up about Catwoman.

Ashton Kutcher: (sound of wind whistling behind his eyes)

Jessica Biel: I will literally act in anything. Tell me I’m pretty?

Jon Bon Jovi: I’ve seen a million faces, and I’VE ROCKED THEM ALL, MOTHERFUCKERS. Also, this is my only expression.

Katherine Heigl: I don’t feel that this material warrants your viewership. I have standards you know. That said, they drove a busload of money to my house.

Sarah Jessica Parker: Wait, this isn’t Sex In The City 4? Oh. I’m still so happy and pretty! LOOK HOW HAPPY AND PRETTY.

Abigail Breslin: Cut me some slack, I’m just killing time until my next decent picture, OK? Hence my forced smile.

Ludacris: Watch out, my outfit’s ridiculous.

Sofia Vergara: This is not art. This is an unholy mix between man and beast.

Michelle Pfeiffer: Oh God, clearly I’ve got to stop answering the phone when I’m drunk.

Hilary Swank: Yes, I know, me and SJP in the same movie. Hilarious. Try to restrain yourselves from making the obvious stable jokes, please. Besides, does that twiggy bitch have an Oscar? No, she does not.

Seth Meyers: (breaks character, giggles)

Hector Elizondo: Oh God, that’s the last time I go out drinking with Pfeiffer.

Til Schweiger: I just wanted to play something other than a villain or a Nazi, ja?

Josh Duhamel: No, fuck that. Olyphant is the poor man’s Duhamel, amiright? Huh? No? Shit.

Robert DeNiro: I’ve lost the will to live.

Lea Michelle: I get to sing, right? Right? Because I don’t know if you guys know, but I’m, like, a totally great singer.

Zac Efron:Dude, this is gonna be just as awesome as Charlie St. Cloud.

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TK Burton is the Editorial Director. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.