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Barbie? He-Man? The Toys Will Destroy Us All

By TK Burton | Industry | September 24, 2009 |

By TK Burton | Industry | September 24, 2009 |

Holy freaking Christ.

OK, a He-Man movie’s been talked about for a while now. Warner Brothers had dumped the project, despite what was apparently a pretty damn good script by Justin Marks. Well, it’s not dead yet — Columbia Pictures is now in talks to acquire the rights to the Mattel property, which would of course include toys, cartoons, and, yes, films. Unfortunately, Marks’ script will likely never see the light of day, despite being described as “Lord of the Rings meets The Matrix meets Batman Begins,” and had won over several of the movie geek reporters that had read it. Can’t get worse than Dolph Lundgren, right?


Fuck it. There are bigger things to worry about. Like a Barbie movie.

A. Fucking. Barbie. Movie.

You think I’m kidding? I’m a little bent, but I’m not that demented. Yep, according to Variety, Universal has picked up the rights, and… well… let’s let the suits take it from here:

“Barbie is the most famous doll in history, a unique cultural icon in the world of brands,” said Universal Pictures chairman Marc Shmuger. “So many representations of Barbie frequent pop culture, but never before has she been brought to life in a motion picture. We’re grateful to Mattel for entrusting us with this extraordinary opportunity.”

That’s an actual quote by an actual human.

Hide your daughters, people.

(h/t to Jezebel for the pic)

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TK Burton is an Editorial Consultant. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.