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Bald Dudes, Expendables, Remakes, & Sci-Fi: Everything You Never Knew You Always Wanted

By Jodi Smith | Industry | December 18, 2012 |

By Jodi Smith | Industry | December 18, 2012 |

Jackie Chan has let it be known that he will be in Expendables 3. This news makes me happy in the fluffy viewing material area of my brain. I love explosions, punching, fighting, bad accents, terrible storylines as a reason to fight, and the first Expendables had me cackling with glee. I haven’t had the chance to watch Expendables 2 yet, but I suspect the upcoming holidays will remedy that (DON’T DO IT, PINKY. — DR). I like violence in movies and abhor it in real life, just so we’re clear, kids. Big, explodey, violent violence IN MOVIES.

I feel like the idea of Vin Diesel playing Kojak or Telly Savales has come up on Pajiba before, but I’m not certain. If you did suggest this, congratulations! I bet it will be hilarious! Not purposely hilarious, mind you. I don’t believe that Diesel has as much swagger as Savales did, so watching him spout, “Who loves ya, baby?” will be giggle-inducing.


Neal Purvis and Robert Wade (the last 4 Bond films) are adapting the 1970s “Kojak” series for the big screen and Diesel’s shiny dome. Put all of your money into lollipop stocks! BUY BUY BUY!


Josh Hutcherson, the crush many of the ‘Jibettes are sort of dodgy about because of his age, is in talks to star in Pablo Escobar movie Paradise Lost. Andrea Di Stefano (Life of Pi) is set to direct and Benecio Del Toro will star alongside Hutcherson. Hutchersen will play, I am not making this up, an Irish surfer visiting his brother in Columbia. Of course, young love ensues with Escobar’s niece.


The Wachowski Siblings just keep getting the go ahead for more movies. They are working on Jupiter Ascending with Charming Papa Potato, Mila “Is She Really Going Out With Him” Kunis, and now it seems Eddie Redmayne as well. I’m just going to copy and paste the description of this movie, kids. BANAYNAYS.

“…the film, which could kickstart a franchise, will center on a toilet-scrubbing Russian immigrant (Kunis) who actually has the same genetic makeup as the immortal Queen Of The Universe, and thus threatens her rule. A bounty hunter is then dispatched to take her down (Tatum), but they fall in love and go on the run.”


I don’t watch Anime. Just to get that out of the way. Samuel L. Jackson (Badass Motherf*cker) hopes to join David R. Ellis (Snakes On A Plane) for the live-action remake of KITE. It sounds sort of like The Professional to me, except the little girl that has her parents murdered is taken in by two detectives that want her to get revenge. The two corrupt cops train the little girl as an assassin. Here is a trailer for the original Anime.

Ricky Gervais is going to be the human amongst Muppets in The Muppets 2. Jason Segal declined to participate in the sequel, but you knew Disney was going to keep things going. Ty Burrell, who I will always see as the asshole from the Dawn Of The Dead remake, is playing the bad guy and the entire film is set in Europe. Ideas as to the plot when we have Burrell as a lazy Interpol inspector and Gervais as Friend to Muppets?


The Muppets find themselves in Europe for a show, but Animal frenzies himself onto Interpol’s Most Wanted list by chasing women through the streets. The Muppets run into Gervais and he reluctantly agrees to help them get to their show in time and keep Animal out of Burrell’s clutches. What’s your guess?

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Jodi Smith is a Senior Reporter, Film & Television at Pajiba. You can email her or follow her on Twitter.