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Backstreet Boys Bring Down the Papacy

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Industry | February 11, 2013 |

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Industry | February 11, 2013 |

This morning two important bits of news came to light. First, Pope Benedict XVI has announced that he is resigning from the papacy, marking the first time in over 700 years that a reigning pope has taken off the fancy hat.

Of course, the announcement was read in Latin and then released in translation to reporters, so I can’t help wondering if the actual Latin said “dudes, I’m totally kidding, and this is why you should start teaching Latin in schools again.”

Benedict has been plagued with rumors and allegations that he took an active and knowing hand in covering up child abuse within the Catholic church before his elevation to the papacy. In addition to being connected with that whole keeping molesters out of prison and in expensive European villas, Benedict argued that condoms increase the spread of AIDS and insisted on the “importance of prayer in the face of the activism and the growing secularism of many Christians engaged in charitable work.” Those damned normal people having opinions and thinking for themselves, there really should be a word for it. Oh yeah — democracy.

Second, the Backstreet Boys announced that they were backing a tell-all documentary. The two cannot help but be connected. There is no information as to this point yet, but it is obvious to this reporter that the Backstreet Boys are holding information that damns this papacy, information that implicates the papacy in one of the darkest chapters of the boy band’s history.

Begin queuing up the inevitable “I haven’t seen a priest go down that fast since…” jokes.

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Steven Lloyd Wilson is the sci-fi and history editor. You can email him here or follow him on Twitter.