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Archie! Jughead! That Other Guy!

By TK Burton | Industry | September 23, 2009 |

By TK Burton | Industry | September 23, 2009 |

Does anyone even remember the Archie comics? About a dorky redheaded nerdlinger who was torn between the bookish Betty and the modelesque (and likely slutty) Veronica? He drove a piece of shit jalopy and had a moron who wore a crown for a friend. It had absolutely no resemblance to real life, and was hasn’t been relevant since probably the Eisenhower administration.

Well, Slashfilm is reporting that the Archie comics line is now represented by CAA, who has said that they “will seek to create branded entertainment opportunities in film and TV in much the way that it has for toymaker Mattel.” Yeah, that sounds like a super idea. Let’s make a line of TV shows and movies about a group of dipshits that are completely and totally unrelatable to anyone in the entire galaxy. I mean, teenagers these days are having blowjob parties and drinking crank case oil and fisting ponies while they inject heroin into their goddamn eyeballs, and you think they’ll turn out for a goddamn Archie movie?

Of course, it’ll probably make a gajabazillion dollars, because the universe is a cruel and terrible bitch-whore who has no interest in the advancement of humanity.

Oh, and one more thing: No Whining Wednesday can go piss up a rope.

TK Burton is an Editorial Consultant. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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