Dear Television Viewers —
This is the ABC Television Network. You may know us best as the network that airs “Modern Family,” “Suburgatory,” “Once Upon a Time,” and “Scandal.” We’re not having a great year in the ratings, but thankfully, NBC is such a sh*tshow that hardly anyone notices little old us, even though our reality flagship, “Dancing with the Stars” is wavering, and we’ve been reduced to airing a sitcom about suburban aliens all year long.
But listen. Recently, we had to cancel a show called “Don’t Trust the B—— in Apt. 23” even though, to be honest, it’s one of the best shows we had on our schedule. But that’s the way it goes, you know? A 1.1 rating just doesn’t cut it, unless, again, you’re NBC (suckers!). But now we have this other show. It’s called “Happy Endings.” We LOVE it. It’s the best show on our slate. Critics love it, too. And those who watch it, swear by it. We have a ton of faith in this show, although you probably wouldn’t know it the way we’ve been tinkering with it. It used to occupy the cozy post-“Modern Family” time slot, then we had to move it to Tuesdays, where it has suffered up against “New Girl” and “Go On” (whose dumb idea was it to schedule it then? Oh, right. Yeah, sorry about that).
Anyway, we moved it to Sundays at 10 p.m. for a few weeks, which is basically the worst time slot in of the week for a sitcom, but you know, if you really loved “Happy Endings” you’d follow it, right? THIS IS ON YOU.
But seriously, we really do love it! We know that some of you have continued to follow the show, even though we’ve been jerking your asses around basically since the beginning, threatening you with cancelation, shifting the time slot, and most recently, replacing your beloved “Happy Endings” with “Celebrity Wife Swap” (did you see that episode where Coolio and Mark McGrath swapped families? Awesome!) and our new reality show, “Splash,” which features overweight D-list celebrities like Louie Anderson plunging off a diving board!
Now we know those shows are not as good as “Happy Endings,” but hey! America loves dumb things, and we have to value and respect dumb people because, you know, they pay the bills. So we took “Happy Endings” off the air for a month or so, long enough for you to forget about it, and we’ve decided to move the show to Friday, where we’re going to air two episodes a night for a few weeks. JUST FOR YOU.
Look: We know it’s super inconvenient for viewers, and honestly, we’re surprised a the few of you who do watch have stuck with the show this long (suckers!). But here’s what we want to you to do: We want you to stay home next Friday night and watch “Happy Endings.” Because only you, the viewer, can save our best sitcom from cancelation. Oh, sure, sure: We could do it. I mean, we have that power. In fact, it’d be pretty easy to do. And sure, we could put it in a better time slot, and maybe stop moving it around the schedule, and make it easier for you to keep up with it, and actually demonstrate a little good faith effort toward the funniest show on our slate. But we want you to work for it, because we’re sadistic assholes. And listen: If enough of you stick around and watch both episodes and tell all your friends (i.e., promote the show for us), we might keep it around another year. Sure, we’ll probably cut the budget and episode order in half, and air it intermittently throughout the year on different nights, but we might keep it. THAT’S HOW MUCH WE LOVE YOU.
In fact, to demonstrate our faith in this show, we’re going to support it with this 15-second commercial that we’ll probably air twice during local newscast. YOU’RE WELCOME.
“Save Happy Endings.” Or don’t. Whatever.