I can’t even begin to describe what an amazingly awful idea this is. “American Gladiators” is a crap show, and is to anyone under the mental age of 12. It’s like “Double Dare” for dumbasses, and I’d be surprised if there weren’t a challenge that didn’t involve green slime. It’s men and women with porn names who battle against jackasses who mastered the indoor climbing wall at Chuck E. Cheese’s and decided that they’d like to beat up someone twice their size with a foam stick. The only way to make the show even slightly compelling would be to allow the Gladiators to inflict actual physical damage on the contestants, and making the grand prize a giant televised orgy with the Gladiators on top of a balance beam.
Of course, the dearth of possibilities and the asininity inherent in the game hasn’t stopped some clever jackass with one profitable idea in his lifetime from trying to capitalize on it some more. Johnny Ferraro — whose name can only suggest tiny, tiny penis — has decided it’s be a fantastic idea to make the television show into a goddamn movie. According to Variety:
The film will be based on the TV show that first aired in 1988 and has been on the air every year except one during the past 20 years. Most recently, NBC aired a primetime installment in 2008. The show has aired in more than 90 countries, with the format adapted for the local market in 14 of them.
Former Legendary Pictures chief marketing officer Scott Mednick is producing “American Gladiators.” The goal is to create an action story that takes place inside the world Ferraro has created.
“I look forward to creating a compelling story that launches a whole new set of characters,” Mednick said.
A compelling action story inside a manufactured obstacle course ripped off from corporate team building exercises featuring overmuscled bikini women named after cities and steroid-happy porn-star wannabe men whose entire body looks like layers of hernia injuries? Fantastic idea!
This is the sort of thing that actually makes me appreciate Michael Bay. Sure, he’s got a bone in his head and pyromaniac tendencies, but not even Bay would sink this low.