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Make Peace With Your Gods

By TK Burton | Industry | March 11, 2010 |

By TK Burton | Industry | March 11, 2010 |


Figured I’d get that out of the way.

Listen, there isn’t a fucking prayer that I’d ever even consider thinking about imagining seeing a movie about Alvin and the Chipmunks. They were gratingly annoying when I was six, and now they’re so bad that whenever I see or hear one of the ads, I feel like getting a rape kit done on my ears. When I heard that the second movie was being called The Squeekquel, I dug a hole, went next door, hit my neighbor with a tack hammer and then buried him alive. I just needed someone to suffer. That’s what Alvin and the Chipmunks will drive a man to.

So of course there will be a third one.

And of course it will be in 3-D.

And then, after it is released, we will all be consumed in flames. Even those who didn’t see it. Even those who never want to see it. Because for there to be THREE Chipmunks movies, well, we as a species no longer deserve our place on this planet.

So there you have it. No word on script or director or whatever, but I assume that since they continue to earn vulgar amounts of money at the box office, the cast will return. Which means Jason Lee will continue to debase himself. Whoever writes this, I almost pity. I mean, how do you even look in the mirror? Are you ashamed to admit to your parents what you do for a living? There are probably meth-addicted deviants who let people poo in their mouths for quarters who are more proud of their life’s work.

Also, I’m going to start saving right now for Bedhead’s legal fees, because you know she’s gonna kill someone after seeing this.

TK Burton is an Editorial Consultant. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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