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ABC Is Remaking 'Dirty Dancing' with Abigail Breslin and Jennifer Lopez's Boyfriend...What?

By Courtney Enlow | Industry | May 4, 2016 |

By Courtney Enlow | Industry | May 4, 2016 |

I don’t know how I missed this. I looked through our posting database and I don’t know how all of Pajiba missed this. I feel like the Illuminati and aliens are involved because somehow, in total secret and under the cover of darkness and darker forces, ABC is remaking Dirty Dancing with the most random assortment of people.

If you are like me and genuinely had no idea this was happening, let’s just fully descend into madness before the cast introductions. Here they are dancing in animal onesies.

OK, first, we have Abigail Breslin as Baby Houseman, the role originated by Jennifer Grey. Hopefully she was just having an off night in that video up there or this will be the kind of hot mess only a burning trash heap could love.

Sarah Hyland from Modern Family is playing Lisa Houseman, Baby’s sister.

Cole Prattes will be playing Johnny Castle, the role originated by Patrick Swayze. Trust me, you don’t know who he is.

Debra Messing and Bruce Greenwood are playing Baby and Lisa’s parents. I’m so confused. Am I dreaming this? Did I eat chocolate before bed and I’m having a weird chocolate dream?

Katey Sagal is playing Vivian, the hot older woman Johnny has an affair w—*checks again*—yep, she’s definitely both in this movie and playing that role and—*checks again, slaps self in the face*—and yes, I’m definitely alive and this is not a deeply confusing deathdream. Like, I don’t have feelings about any of this casting, I AM JUST SO CONFUSED. BY EXISTENCE AND LIFE.

Trevor Einhorn, who was on Mad Men but mostly was Joey from BASEketball

…is playing Neil Kellerman, the nerdy guy who likes Baby.

Shane Harper (you also don’t know who he is unless you saw God’s Not Dead) is playing Robbie the assbutt who loves Ayn Rand and knocking up dancers.

Nicole Scherzinger from the Pussycat Dolls is playing Penny, the aforementioned knocked up dancer, as originated by Cynthia Rhodes who used to be married to Richard Marx, a fact that has no importance here but in this confusing mess of words and spiderwebbing names that should not be occupying the same space let alone the space of this particular film, I figured I’d throw it in.

Casper Smart, Jennifer Lopez’s boyfriend, plays Billy, Johnny’s cousin who befriends Baby and hands her a watermelon so that she might fulfill her destiny of carrying a watermelon. Also, I assume he is in this movie because Lopez said “SOMEONE GET MY BOYFRIEND OFF MY COUCH AND GIVE HIM A GODDAMN JOB, HE IS EATING ALL THE NUTELLA.”

And Billy Dee Williams is in it too. Because why the fuck not?

If this is not actually happening, if none of this is real, if I am having a very bad reaction to Lexapro, please contact Dustin at once so he can get me to the proper care facility. Thank you. Please just tell me you see the animal people too.

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