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A Totally Accurate Account Of Quentin Tarantino's 'Star Trek' Pitch...

By Tori Preston | Industry | December 6, 2017 |

By Tori Preston | Industry | December 6, 2017 |

In non-political WTFery, yesterday Deadline shared a head-scratcher of a scoop: Quentin Tarantino pitched a concept for the next Star Trek film. JJ Abrams liked it enough that they’re putting together a writer’s room to start fleshing out the idea. And if THAT goes well … Tarantino might direct the film, with Abrams producing.

Look, nothing is set in stone. And Tarantino has that weird Charles Manson-era project he’s making for Sony that’s scheduled to release August 9, 2019, so dude has some shit on his plate already. Beyond a few random episodes of television and that “special guest director” stunt on Robert Rodriguez’s Sin City, though, he’s only ever directed projects he’s written himself — and those were original concepts, not installments in a massive Hollywood franchise. Then again, we all literally just threw our money and hearts at Taika Waititi for reviving Marvel’s flagging Thor branch of the MCU, so it’s not like this is an impossible idea.

It’s just that, well, Waititi’s brand was “quirky and imaginative” while Tarantino’s brand is… a whole lot bloodier and swear-ier. What could he possibly find creatively appealing about the Star Trek universe? What would his angle on that sanitized future space utopia even be?

Which is why I’m happy to report that we have our OWN scoop to share! Here, for the first time anywhere, are the 100% real and accurate ideas that Tarantino shared with JJ Abrams, which I promise I totally haven’t just made up on the fly for funsies. Like, pinky swear. This is the real shit right here. Read it in your best, nasally chipmunk-on-5-cans-of-Red-Bull voice, while gesticulating wildly.

TENTATIVE FILM TITLE: Star Trek: Uhura’s Revenge

Ok, so, you know that bit in Star Trek 5 or whatever, where Uhura dances naked on a dune with some fans and her feet are in the sand? Ok, so, picture this: The film opens on some fucking planet, right? Kind of a backwoodsy place, where the locals are barefoot humanoids. And Uhura is ALSO barefoot and she’s undercover and maybe there’s scarves instead of fans, but she’s gotta do a little distraction dance while she listens in on their conversations because duh, she’s all about language and shit.

CUT TO The Enterprise, where shit is just fucking up all over. Like, red alert, shaky camera, alarms going off. Sulu is unconscious, Kirk is pissed, and Spock is manning like 5 different stations — including Chekov’s. They’re not under attack, though. It’s their own systems going into failure. It’s SABOTAGE!

Can we get the rights to that Beastie Boys song? Oh, you have? Can we use it again?

So the thing is that the Enterprise meltdown is the FUTURE. Now the film jumps to the PAST, before Uhura went to that planet. They’re just starting out on their next mission, which is… we’ll figure it out, it won’t really matter BECAUSE the real story here is the creepy dude who’s taking over Chekov’s post. He’s totally a fucking SKRULL!

Oh, they’re not from Star Trek? Ok, well look, we can figure it out. He can be Deanna Troi’s grandfather for all it fuckin’ matters. He’s an alien who’s upset with the crimes taking place on a colony planet his people have settled and the neglect on the part of the Federation because they’re too close to the border with the Romulans or something. And he’s gonna hold the Enterprise hostage and force it to run supplies to the colony. Which takes us back to:

UHURA BAREFOOT DANCING. Because it turns out the Enterprise’s mission was to scope out some rumors of crime on that colony planet! At this point they still don’t realize that New Chekov is an undercover traitor (oh and by the way, he hasn’t gone through training or anything, he has a hologram projector and he took the place of the REAL replacement Chekov, who’s dead).

So Uhura goes to make her report with information of a — DUN DUN DUNNNNN — undercover Starfleet mole and the plot she overheard but she can’t get through because NOW all the shit is starting to go down on the Enterprise. But wait! Actually the Enterprise is fine! The crew has been locked in a holodeck simulation and just THINK the Enterprise is going down in flames. Meanwhile Fake Chekov has turned into Fake Kirk so he can report to the Admirals without drawing attention.

Uhura’s cover is blown though, and she’s kidnapped and tortured. Basically act three is Saldana going full-on Colombiana on everyone’s asses and she’ll steal a ship and then she’ll get back to the Enterprise and it turns out she sword fights… barefoot.

Look, I’m still working on the finer details but let’s make this shit, like, space Atomic Blonde with backstabbing and secrets and fights. And banter. We need a LOT of banter. Oh also Brad Pitt is totally down to play that mole, OK. What do you think the budget’ll be, by the way?

I mean, is it any wonder Abram’s saw the potential here?!

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Tori Preston is deputy editor of Pajiba. She rarely tweets here but she promises she reads all the submissions for the "Ask Pajiba (Almost) Anything" column at [email protected]. You can also listen to her weekly TV podcast, Podjiba