It’s been five years since the Deepwater Horizon explosion off the coast of Louisiana killed 11 people, injured 17 more and released 200 million gallons of crude oil into the Gulf of Mexico. Since then, we at BP have used every resource at our disposal to preserve wildlife, support local businesses, and most importantly, donate money to congressmen who sit on the Natural Resources Committee to guarantee that our irresponsible drilling practices continue unimpeded.
BP didn’t stop there. We also created dozens of commercials reminding Americans how great we are for cleaning up a mess of our making. Did you know that today, the Gulf is almost as a healthy as it was before we let an uncapped oil well pump 5 million barrels of hydrocarbons into its waters for 87 days? You’re welcome! And we’re still paying for all legitimate spill-related costs. NOT YOURS THOUGH, HAROLD! YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THE OIL THAT KILLED YOUR DOG LEAKED OUT THE BUSTED-ASS TRANS-AM SITTING ON BLOCKS IN YOUR FRONT YARD!
By blaming Halliburton and Transocean, we have taken full responsibility for the disaster and enacted a culture of safety ensures this type of tragedy will only happen one or two more times, tops, in the next 50 years. Which is why it’s so disheartening to see the Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon stoop to petty, personal and factually inaccurate tactics just to generate a cheap laugh at our expense. Asking Russell Crowe to sing wasn’t funny enough, Mr. Fallon? You felt the need to make a sophomoric song about putting tar balls — WHICH MAY BE NATURALLY OCCURRING AND IN NO WAY THE RESPONSIBILITY OF BRITISH PETROLEUM — in your mouth? Shame on you, Mr. Fallon.
Free-range bark-fed tree huggers can watch the aforementioned clip below. Everyone else should avert their eyes or cover them with thick toxic BP-brand raw crude lest they risk significant mental anguish akin to seeing animals die from oil suffocation.
Sure, BP’s gross negligence cost 11 people their lives and very nearly destroyed an entire ecosystem. Thousands of local Gulf Coast businesses suffered untold economic consequences as a direct result of our recklessness, absolutely. Yes, a federal judge ruled that we acted with “conscious disregard of known risks.”
But Russell Crowe, Mr. Fallon? Have you seen Les Miserables?
P. MacGillicutty Stein
Vice President of Media Relations