Last night, news broke that Jason Momoa (AKA Carp Drogo) is in talks to join the cast of MGM’s The Magnificent Seven remake. This minor trade news nugget surprised me because I had no idea anyone planned to reboot the Akira Kurosawa or John Sturges classics from 1954 and 1960, respectively, let alone that the project had progressed to the point of casting.
Intrigued and unable to fall asleep for some strange reason, I decided to do a little digging to learn more about this remake of a remake. Here’s what I learned, as I learned it [new updates at the bottom, so make sure you read the whole thing, quitters].
1:01 AM: Huh, they’re remaking The Magnificent Seven. Again. Wonder who they got to direct this bucket of deep fryer grease?
1:03 AM: /Bings “Magnificent Seven remake director”
1:17 AM (because Bing takes longer to find information than Roger Goddell): Oh, Antoine Fuqua. Well, he’s decent enough. Training Day is pretty dope, and Olympus is Fallen is also a movie that exists. Could be worse. Shame he couldn’t get frequent collaborator Denzel Washington to sign on.
1:18 AM: /clicks more links
1:20 AM: HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT DENZEL IS IN THIS?!?
1:21 AM: Ok, who else we got? MGM probably wants Chris Pratt in this movie, but they better keep dreaming because there’s no way in hell Star Lord will have time for this given his busy…
1:22 AM: SWEET CHRIST PRATT IS THE CO-LEAD?!!
1:27 AM: So Denzel Washington and Chris Pratt play two of the seven gunslingers hired to protect a town from rampaging bandits. That means there are still…
1:28 AM: /plugs “7 minus 2” into my TI-85 graphing calculator
1:29 AM: …five roles up for grabs. It’d be kinda neat if Fuqua reunited Denzel with his Training Day co-star, four-time Academy Award nominee Ethan Hawke. He’s probably out, though, unless Fuqua is shooting this movie over the course of 15 years or something.
1:31: Oh, Hawke is already signed? Holy testicle Tuesday. I mean, it’s technically Wednesday now. You know what I mean.
1:33 AM: Anyone else awesome? Vincent D’Onofrio, fresh off a career-resurgent role as The Kingpin in Netflix’s terrific Daredevil series, will play one of the hired guns?
1:34 AM: Whoops, that’s Dustin. Here’s D’Onofrio.
2:00 AM (took a short break to let my blood pressure revert to safe levels): So we have Denzel, Pratt, Hawke, D’Onofrio, and Momoa. You know who could elevate this cast from “insane” to “Ted Cruz?” Legendary badass JOHN MOTHERFUCKIN WAYNE!
2:01 AM: /Googles “John Wayne”
2:01 AM: Huh, apparently John Wayne died 35 years ago and is therefore unavailable for this film. Damn, SAG really makes it difficult for the deceased guy to find work. Maybe Fuqua can CGI him in or something. Anyway, I just hope they didn’t hire EL James to write the screenplay because this cast deserve a mature script loaded with rich dialogue and killer lines. Hey, someone like True Detective’s Nic Pizzolatto would be perfect!
2:03 AM: People should know about this movie! I really need to write about it for the site so readers get hyped for the January 13, 2017 release. I should do that now while I’m still awa…
2:04 AM: /falls asleep
[UPDATE] 2:27 PM: THR is reporting that I Saw The Devil and Terminator: Genysis star Byung-hun Lee is in talks to join the cast as “a former indentured servant who is quite handy with a sai.” He looks like this:
The THR piece also contains information about each actor’s character.
- Washington is a bounty hunter who takes it upon himself to help the woman who hires the seven (played by Haley Bennett)
- Pratt is a magician turned gambler
- D’Onofrio is a mountain man with an unsavory past that includes killing Native Americans
- Wagner Moura, who is excellent in Elite Squad and will play Pablo Escobar in Netflix’s upcoming Narcos, is a caballero with a bounty on his head
- Hawke is a sharpshooting war deserter