Did I remember to tell you all that The Heat has been pushed from April 5th to June 28th because of a fear of Jurassic Park 3D destroying them like a lawyer on the sh*tter? Lucky for us, Evil Dead will take over the April 5th release date and premiere at SXSW. Evil Dead isn’t afraid of some dinosaurs. It has pure evil and a sexual-predator tree, for f*ck’s sake!
Speaking of sexual predators, you can’t tell me that Tom Hiddleston doesn’t look hella Rape Van Guy in this photo from Jim Jarmusch’s Only Lovers Left Alive. Adam (Hiddleston) and Eve (Tilda Swinton) play vampire lovers that have a wrench thrown in their centuries-long relationship by Ava (Mia Wasikowska), Eve’s sister. John Hurt and Anton Yelchin also star.
Tom Hardy and Noomi Rapace will be appearing in Animal Rescue and in Child 44. Animal Rescue sounds nuts, with Hardy playing a guy that rescues a puppy from the trash and becomes a target of the animal’s deranged owner. Child 44 has Hardy as a disgraced MGB agent and Rapace as his wife in the Stalin-era USSR. Hardy’s character investigates a child killer that might have ties in high places. The movie is based on a book about the Rostov Ripper and is the first in a trilogy.
Annie is being remade and produced by Jay-Z and Will Smith. Shhh, shhh. It will all be mediocre or something. Will Gluck (Easy A) is directing and Willow Smith is no longer attached to play the title role. I, for one, would like to start here and now with the rumor that Taylor Swift will play Lil’ Orphan Annie. Sure she’s too old. BUT THAT’S CALLED ACTING, YO.
Disney is all about the teasers for trailers. Their little indie flick Iron Man 3 has a trailer set to air during the 49ers and Ravens game this Sunday. I hope it can find an audience. Robert Downey Jr. is talented, man. I really think he Is going to be a big star, you guys.
A Million Ways to Die in the West is Seth MacFarlane’s follow-up to the successful Ted. I’ve already speculated about what jokes would be made in the Western, based entirely on the fact that MacFarlane is co-writing the feature. Now we have actual details about the movie and news that Charlize Theron is in final talks to play a romantic interest. Seth MacFarlane may get to make out with Charlize Theron. In other n ews, life is f*cking unfair.
You see, the plot is that Farmer MacFarlane wusses out of a shootout, causing his girlfriend to become disgusted and leave him. Farmer MacFarlane then meets the wife of an evil outlaw and she teaches him to shoot a gun. They, of course, fall in love before the outlaw returns to take back his woman. A show of hands on how many of you think MacFarlane will win her over by singing and then explain that he used to sing to animals on his farm.
An even more terrible idea? FOX picking up an animated comedy series based on the childhood of 50 Cent. It is described as “… a mischievous but well-meaning kid who frequently gets into trouble with his eccentric family and others in their ‘hood.”. LOLWUT. No. Just stop it, FOX.
In other television news, How I Met Your Mother’s ninth season will be its last. FINALLY. JUST SHOW ME THE MOTHER. I stopped watched a season or two ago and rely on recaps to keep me in the know. Will I watch the final season? Only if we meet the mother in episode one and then see the courtship through the season and end with the wedding. The couple will walk down the aisle to “Let’s Go To The Mall.” MAKE IT SO!
Nick Offerman (“Parks and Recreation”) stars in this smart, subversive comedy about a man, his best friend (Keith Poulson), and the woman they both adore (Jess Weixler, Teeth) watching their lives fly by.