Dustin mentioned earlier today that A Nightmare on Elm Street will be getting a re-reboot. This is because the reboot was a flaming pile of cardboard acting and bullshit. I am, however, still displeased with this news. Do we really need a re-reboot? I say nay.
I say we should push for more quality re-reboots instead. In fact, I’ve created a list of the reboots that should have a re-reboot before A Nightmare on Elm Street gets one.
1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Michael Bay took a shitty shot at this reboot of the beloved 90s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but I feel he missed the mark. He mostly missed that part where looking at the Turtles doesn’t remind me of my own mortality and the presence of real evil in the world.
2. Total Recall
Swapping out Arnold Schwarzenegger and bringing the delicious Colin Farrell on board for the reboot was well-received in my pants. HOUSE. House. Yet, the remake of the film about a guy that maybe is suddenly embroiled in an action-packed adventure or is just living a fantasy scenario because the future is cuckoo banaynays just fell flat. Why don’t we Zac Efron up this bitch and see how much worse it can get?
Rob Zombie took that terrifying unknown quality about Michael Myers particular brand of murder boner and threw some white trash origins story on it, ruining all of the things. It’s just better if we don’t know why the insanely slow yet deadly killer has decided that he hates babysitters and people getting laid. Let’s go back to that. In movies.
4. The Fog
What if you found out that your town was founded on the bloody deeds of your ancestors? Then you would live in America, congratulations. You may also, specifically, live on Antonio Island and you may be murdered by ghost ship travelers that roll in on the fog. There’s also a woman with a radio station. Plus, fog is just scary, yeah? You have to turn on your headlights AND your mini-headlights, put down your tablet, and pay attention to the road. Gah!
5. Friday the 13th
I don’t remember all of the details from the last reboot, so isn’t that reason enough to start over again? Aside from this promo photo that looks like Jason is showing you “where the magic happens” in a decrepit version of MTV’s Cribs, because we need more of that.